Drama Queenism

My drama queen tendencies have been well documented in my blogs.  I have always endeavored to have melts downs in the privacy of my home and not subject anyone else to the ensuing messiness.  But recently, it was brought to my attention (by the Holy Spirit) that even that is not healthy for my body and soul.

I’ve been vocal about the triple threat that Brian Rayburn, Keith Moore and Zach Neese have been against some of the issues God has been dealing with me about.  I’ve also said that when you are studying a particular subject, you get plenty of opportunity to practice what you are studying.  I’m here to testify to the truth of that.

I have been listening to Keith Moore’s Thanksgiving Victory series and it has been a kick bootie experience.  He hits self-pity hard and explains how damaging it is; not only to oneself but also to the people around you.  I’ve had how true this is thrown in my face, almost literally. 

Although I would melt down at home, I was still letting self-pity rule my everyday actions.  I, of course, didn’t think I was operating in self-pity but I was.  As a result, I damaged two relationships that were very dear to me.  I’ve repented and apologized where necessary but God will have to bring restoration.

Now, day by day…event by event…sometimes moment by moment I thank God that He has delivered me from self-pity (listen to the series). This is one of those baby step things but I’m going to keep at it until I’m running free.

Change 2

In my blog Change, I stated ‘I would venture to say nighty-five percent of the humans on earth have something in their lives they wish they could change.  So why is it when change happens, we don’t like it?’  Very applicable question.

I've had three significant changes occur in the last month and a half.  Normally, I have some inkling changes are about to take place.  These blindsided me.  I have been dealing with the fallout and life has been hectic, emotional and totally draining.  But at the same time, I have learned so much about myself…about my God.  I’m more sure of myself and who I am in Christ than I have ever been. 

Of course, I would like to say this has been as amazingly smooth transition and I’ve just floated along on a misty white cloud of faith and serenity.  But since my penchant for drama queenness and beating myself up have been well documented, can’t say that. 

Change 1 went relatively smoothly after I moved past being irritated that I wasn’t included in the dynamics and plans for said change.  I am really enjoying the freedom it has given me.

Change 2…  Let’s just say that it’s been a month and I'm still am not quite there yet.  There was a lot of drama queenness associated with this one. 

Change 3, I’m just beginning to walk into.  Still navigating the newness of it.  More like change 1, I had to get past my initial irritation.  Now I’m good with it and actually looking forward to the freedom it will give me.

In Hiatus, I talked about the triple threat; KeithMoore’s teachings, Zach Neese’s How to Worship a King and Pastor Brian Rayburn’s awesome messages.  They have only gotten better and I can really tell the difference.

Maybe, my receiving has gotten better.      

Reunion

The McClendon family reunion was last Saturday.  The weather cooperated big time.  We gathered at Patsy and Gary Wayne’s house this year.  They had an in ground pool, plenty of concrete for the kids to draw on, ride on and generally play on and a zip line.  They also had shuffleboard and billiards for the grownups.  How cool is that?  

The last two years have been at Don and Dana’s place.  I did miss the river and being able to walk to the pond.  If we could somehow mash them up together, we would have the perfect spot. 

Of course, the food was great as always.  We did well this time.  There was plenty of meat left but the side dishes were pretty much gone by the time everyone headed out.  Usually, we have a lot left over.  Brenda made a coconut pie because she and I both like it so if she had to bring it home, it wouldn’t go to waste.  Right.  It was gone shortly after she set it out.  People were eating it before they ate supper.  She probably should have made two.

It was good to hear the children; a little sobering to realize we are our parents now.  Still, these are the times that stay with you.  

Good looking bunch

Bucket List 2

I had this ready and forgot to post:  please excuse my crazy weekend.

In Flightsof Fancy, I talked about flying through the stars like Superman, swimming with the sharks and walking the Marianas Trench.  I have often talked about the things I wanted to do after I have an immortal body.  Carole pointed out that technically, that’s not really a bucket list since these are not things I want to do before I die.  Couldn't argue with that. 

It started me thinking about things I used to want to do but had slowly let go of because they seemed impossible.  Things like; hang-gliding, getting a pilot’s license and walking (at least part) of the Appalachian Trail.

I can now say that I've marked an item off that old list.  I spent this Tuesday afternoon in Studio 333 at K.E. Bushman’sCelebration Center laying piano and organ tracks for Cody’s new song ‘Train Wreck’ (to be released Sept. 30).  It was (roughly) exactly what I expected.  Hurry up and wait.  I took a book to read for the waiting part and my serenity (uh, who? Me?) for the ‘do it again’ part.  Michael Hersh (engineer) was very patient with me.  He called me Auntie Barbara and said “no, really, you’re doing great”.  He’s good…  I didn't detect one note of sarcasm in his voice. 

Besides, the experience of recording, I got to spend some time with my nephew.  With his schedule, I rarely see him.  I know that’s a good thing because he’s busy making his dream come true.  I asked a gazillion (slight exaggeration) questions about the band and how things were going.  Told him he needed to work on his diction.  You know, the Aunt thing. 

I got there about 2:40 pm and left about 8:00 p.m.  They were happy with the results.  I’am happy with the experience.  That’s what matters.

Regret 2

Last December I blogged about how living in regret had colored my whole life.  I decided it was time for an update. 

I can say that I have come a long way in the last nine months.  I can sing the old songs now without going into a blue funk over my past.  In last week’s blog, I said the Holy Spirit has been repeatedly tapping me on the shoulder lately.  There is a difference this time and I know it’s because my attitude (there’s that word) is different.  I don’t automatically start beating myself up because I've failed yet again. 

Beating myself up put me in a place where the Spirit couldn't help me because I would make it all about me.  You know; I’m not good enough, I don’t do enough, I don’t know enough, I’m such a sorry human being . 

The litany could go on but I don’t live there anymore.  How do I know?  Last Monday I took myself to see a movie.  I briefly looked it up online but about half-way in, I realized I should have dug a little deeper.  Sigh…  Not because I am beating myself up over the mistake, I repented.  I was forgiven.  No, the sigh was because I could have used my money to see something else.  It was only last night as I was reading in Psalms that it came back into my mind.  Total surprise.  I had actually let it go; put it behind me and moved forward.  I hadn't let it become a constant reminder of my failure like I would have in the past.

I call that progress.  I call that freedom.

Hiatus

I apologize for the unannounced break in blog posting.  It was unintentional and unexpected.  I appreciate your patience and the lack of negative comments about it.

No, a major disaster did not occur.  No, I was not in the hospital or out of commission in any way.  Nor was I on vacation (sigh).  Life did get a little crazy, though.  There were several (figurative) fires at work that took all hands on deck to put out.  Plus, my personal life was going a little haywire. 

Things have settled down at work and the smoldering embers have moved on to someone else.  My personal life is starting to straighten out because God has been working on my attitude.  Amazing how much that word comes up in my blogs.  I recently saw a picture on Facebook with the caption ‘apparently I have an attitude; who knew’.  So me.

I’ve been listening to some excellent teaching by Keith Moore, reading How to Worship a King by Zach Neese and Pastor Rayburn has been preaching some awesome messages at New Heights.  Needless to say, the Holy Spirit has been tapping me on the shoulder a lot. 

So, I’ve had so much stuff going around in my head I couldn’t settle on one thing.  I would start something and think no, I’m not ready to discuss that yet.  Or, I don’t understand that enough to tell someone else about it.  I couldn’t even come up with anything amusing from my past.  A sad state for a writer.  My novel has also suffered because of it.

A biggie has been Keith Moore’s ‘The Trial of Peter’s Faith’.  It’s about not becoming offended.  All Bible students know that when you study a subject in depth, you get plenty of opportunity to put it into practice.  By the time I got to church last night, I was mentally exhausted and a bit on the touchy side (no comment from the peanut gallery). 

I can’t tell you exactly what happened last night; I just know God set me up.  Amber asked me if I wanted her to do the overheads.  I jumped on it.  That left me free to sing with the worship team and sit in the congregation for the sermon.  I love what I do but it was a very nice change.  By the time I left, I was on a much more even keel.

I know those around me were very happy.

Hard Firsts

Today was the annual back to school shopping trip.  Most of you know my sisters were and are teachers.  We always get together to go shopping for back to school clothes, shoes and miscellaneous.  It's like the annual Christmas shopping trip.  I usually go to laugh and eat lunch.

Anola's sudden passing will move us through many 1st.  This was the beginning of those; the first shopping trip without her.  Soon it will be the first day of school.  Then it will be Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Anola was a seasonal decorator and Halloween was one of her favorites.  She had salt and pepper shakers, cookie jars, candy dishes, lights, stuff to hang in the windows, things to put outside.  Yeah, all out. She did most things that way.

I must admit, I was a little leery.  I asked a friend to pray for us today and he did.  I know, because I could feel them.  We had a choice.  We could be all weepy and sad-sack or we could laugh and enjoy ourselves like we usually do.  I know which one Anola would choose for us.  We decided to laugh.  

Normally, we don’t come home with that many items.  The last few years, it’s been mostly baby stuff.  Since the kiddos are all healthy and clothed, we didn’t even wander that way.  Plus, Amanda didn’t get to go with this year and she is the baby shopper extraordinaire.  She is also Brenda's and Ada's personal shopper.  She picks stuff out and they decide to buy it our not.   

This necessitated Brenda and Ada actually shopping for themselves.  Wonder of wonders, they both bought items in the first three stores we went to.  That made it a full day already.  What made it even more ‘not normal’ was that I bought things, too.

Did we get teary-eyed?  Yes, but only a little.  We are women; we are tough.  We love, we laugh, we cry.  Anyone remember ‘Steel Magnolias’? 

All in all, it’s been a good day.

She's Alive

There’s a picture circulating on Facebook with an older woman sitting in a lounge chair with a drink in her hand.  The caption says ‘Some days I look back on my life and I’m impressed I’m still alive’.

I represent that…a lot.  

And that old saying ‘fools rush in where angels fear to tread’?  Yeah, that one too.

I was told once the expression on my face while I sing catches people’s attention.  I can’t help it.  Example:  Amazing Grace is an awesome song but when I start verse three (through many dangers, toils and snares) the smile starts and keeps getting bigger.  If I don’t watch it, I’ll be laughing out loud.  Why?  I’m remembering some of the dumb things I’ve done and how God kept me through them.  

I wasn’t considered wild.  Matter of fact, some would have said I was fairly dull as a youth.  But, there are some who know better (no comments).  I tended to wade into situations where I might not have known everything that was going on.  There were several impulsive side trips on my way home that resulted in 13 point U-turns (in a small car) or coming home wet because I decided to go swimming.

I didn’t think a thing about taking my nieces and nephews to the lake alone.  I would have four kids on a raft in deep water.  I can hear the gasps.  I babysat five kids (18 months to 5; two families) and would drive uptown to the five and dime or walk to the country store about half a mile away.  Me and five little kids.

One time I topped a hill (flying) and two cars were in the middle of the road; the men talking.  Thank God there was an oilfield lease with gravel right there.  I jerked it hard to the left; the car spun around and started to roll.  I was tilted over Gwen’s (friend) head staring that gravel in the face.  I just said ‘Jesus’ and the car settled back down upright.  It blew out a tire and knocked the front out of alignment.  We were late but we made it to church.

One summer, I help my brother-in-law pulp wood.  We were working on a huge tree that was in a gulley and leaning towards the neighbors.  Larry got the cable up as high as he could and started cutting.  I was working the winch from inside the truck staying on the gas and brake to keep the cable tight and bring the tree our direction.  The truck was standing straight up on its back wheels by the time the tree came down (yes, on our side).  We called it a day after that.

‘Some days I look back on my life and I’m impressed I’m still alive’ is not just a saying to me.  I really represent that…a lot.  

The Hidden Talent

Mathew 25:14-30:  ²⁵ And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth…

There are as many reasons for hidden talents as there are people who’ve hidden them.  But, as with the story in the Bible, they all point back to ‘I was afraid’.

I have contemplated this passage many times over the years but would always shy away from bringing it out into the full light of the Holy Spirit.  I was sure I had hidden that one talent and like the man in the story, God was not pleased with me.  Sounds like fear to me.

One of the ways I have been dealing with the fear is by listening to good solid teaching on it. Keith Moore’s series, Free From All Fears, is excellent.  I learn a little more every time I listen to it.  This time, the Holy Spirit touched on the buried talent.  This time, I did not shy away when the He brought it up again.  Surprisingly, it did not play out like I thought it would.

For those who don’t know me, I can sing; get on the stage and belt it out sing.  I play the piano and strum guitar.  I write books (Vendetta & Ghostman) & songs (Get to Living).  I love to teach.  I have so many ideas rolling around in my head, it would make a whirligig dizzy.  So much so, that I have been taken to task over and over and over (ad infinitum) again for not doing something with them.  Hence the sense of the hidden talent.

I have stated before that I don’t care to be famous.  I want the famous people to know who I am.  I have a nephew, Cody Wayne, who is well on his way to being famous, kudos to him.  Still, that’s not my world.

This time when I faced it, the Holy Spirit told me what my talent was.  I do use the single word talent.  Yes, I can do all these other things and for my talent to be in use, I need to be able to.  That’s the kicker.  God has given me these abilities so I can use that talent and to my surprise, I have been.  I just never realized it because I did not recognize the talent. 

Verse 15 in the Amplified says that he gave ‘to each in proportion to his own personal ability’.  God is well aware of the talents He has given us and He has also given us the ability to use those talents; to gain more.  I know, it’s another one of those ‘duh’ statements.  Still, how many of us really believe in the given ability?

This revelation rocked my world.  Happy dance.  

The Challenge 2

It’s hard to believe today is the twenty-first day of 'The Challenge'.  It seems like I just wrote about it and now it’s over.

This is what I wrote in 'The Challenge' blog:

So, this is what I have decided.  I am going to find 21 scriptures that tell me how God sees me and starting June 15, I am going to speak them over myself several times a day; one for each of the 21 days.  If the experts are correct, at the end of the 21 days I should have a God image of myself firmly planted in me.

  

But things went a little differently than I planned.  When I started seeking out the scriptures I would use, these are the some of the ones the Holy Spirit directed me to.

1. Jude, the servant of Jesus Christ, and brother of James, to them that are sanctified by God the Father, and preserved in Jesus Christ, and called:  Jude 1
2. But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us,  Ephesians 2:4
3. Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.  1 Thessalonians 5:24

The re-occurring theme is my view of who God is, what He does.  It surprised me.  I asked why when the whole point was to get a God view of myself.  Answer:  until I have a correct view of God, I will never understand or receive His view of me.  This is one of those things I knew intellectually but had never really meditated on it until it became heart knowledge. 

Jude 1:  God sanctified me, preserved me and called me. 

• Sanctified:  He set me apart for His use.  He cleaned me up.  He did
• Preserved:  He keeps me in perfect or unaltered condition:  He maintains me unchanged.
• Called:  He claimed my time and life—call of duty.

Ephesians 2:4:  Everything He did for me was because He is rich in mercy and loves.

• Because He loved, He gave His most prized possession—His Son
• Because of His mercy, He had the plan set in motion before man was ever created (Revelation 13:8).

1 Thessalonians 5:24:  I can trust Him with my calling and getting it done.

• Faithful:  true to His word, reliable, trusted and/or believable.
• Will do:  deliberate action.

Am I different?  Yeah.  Did I see massive overnight change?  No.  But I do know if you set yourself to seek the face of God, change happens.

So, if you see me wobbling around, remember baby steps.   

A Job Friend

I have been listening to a CD by a guest speaker at our church, Bro. Wade McKinney.  He spoke on the “Breath of the Rainmaker” out of Job 14:7-9.  This passage is after Job’s tribulations and he is commenting on a plucked up by the roots tree.  It is a powerful message about the wild olive trees and how new life sprouts around destroyed ones.  It doesn’t matter if they’ve been chopped down, burnt or uprooted by a storm, at the first hint of rain buds come from the roots. 

Bro. McKinney paints a very poignant picture of Job and the things around him as he looks down this hill at that tree.  But what he says about Job’s friends caught my attention this time.  One said, “If you had done it this way…”.  Another said, “There must be some sin in your life…”.  These are two friends who, at this moment, are oh so religious when he just needs a relationship.

Makes me wonder; how often—in trying to be a Christian friend—I just managed to be religious and not a friend.  We do have our clichés and are not afraid to pull them out. Especially, when we don’t know what to say (hint:  sometimes it’s better to keep our mouths shut and give a hug instead).

There are times when we don’t understand what is going on.  And, we definitely don’t have all the answer.  That’s okay.  That realization, for me, has been a long time coming.  I have said before, I am a dot your ‘i’s; cross your ‘t’s kind of person.  So, you can imagine how not knowing affects me. 

I do know I don’t want to hear clichés.  So, I try not to spout them off to anyone else.  I’ll admit, though, clichés are safer than saying ‘I don’t know’.  And, they fit into dotting ‘i’s and crossing ‘t’s very well. 

Even though our clichés are rooted in truth, they rarely help in that moment simply because they have become clichés.  At a later date when things have settled down and you can discuss the truth of the clichés, trot them out; nothing wrong with that.

I know different people handle things differently.  But since the Bible tell us to treat others like we want to be treated (Luke 6:31), I’ll skip the clichés, speak a few heart felt words, give that hug and try not to be a Job friend.  

The Challenge

I have made great strides (with the help of family and good friends) in getting back to being confident in who and whose I am.  But I recently noticed I was falling back into old patterns that sank me into depression so deep, I became a none person.  Such as thinking/saying:  ‘I don’t know enough’, ‘I can’t’, ‘it’s too late’, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  I refuse to let that happen again.  So does God.  He got me out of the first round and I know He doesn’t want to have to do it again.

All last week, the Holy Spirit kept tapping me on the shoulder about it.  By Sunday, there was a constant argument going in my head.  (Stubborn? Me? Surely not.)  I went home that afternoon to do nothing (but stew), again.  Instead I left the house, for a second time, and took myself back uptown to a movie.  That was a major step forward for me.

Experts say it takes 21 days to form a new habit.  I want to form is a new imagine of myself on the inside that no one can alter or take away.  I want to see myself the way God sees me. 

Easy, right?  Wrong.  We are constantly bombarded with negative things.  Most of the time we don’t even realize this onslaught is affecting us.  The slide can be so gradual we don’t notice it.

Another thing I’ve also heard is that it takes words to interrupt a thought.  So, this is what I have decided.  I am going to find 21 scriptures that tell me how God sees me and starting June 15, I am going to speak them over myself several times a day; one for each of the 21 days.  If the experts are correct, at the end of the 21 days I should have a God image of myself firmly planted in me.

I’m looking forward to the adventure.  Anyone care to join me?

Every Man Preaches

I was working at the KFC in Kilgore, Texas in 1983 when the murders took place.  Our church was in revival at the time.  My pastor and the evangelist went to every funeral with me.  I rode with them to one and we were talking about the services in general.  I said, ‘I would like to preach my own funeral.’  The evangelist replied, ‘Every man preaches his own funeral.’  I have been contemplating that statement this last week. 

For those of you who don’t know, my sister, Anola, passed away very suddenly and very unexpectedly.  She taught school for 19 years.  They roped for years and participated in the kid’s sports.  She was acquainted with a wide range of people.  The out pouring of love and support from those people for the family was phenomenal.

Due to outside circumstances, her funeral was on hold until into the next week.  I figured most of the people who had planned to come wouldn’t be able to because they would be working and it would be too short of a notice to get off.  Wrong.  The place was packed.  It was a comfort to us to see the honor given to Anola.  It brought to mind that statement:  every man preaches his own funeral.

Sixteen years ago my brother, Harold Wayne, also passed away very suddenly and very unexpectedly.  He, too, was a big presence in a lot of lives.  Again the out pouring of love and support from those people for the family was phenomenal.  The place was packed.  It was a comfort to us to see the honor given to Harold Wayne.

Mother was the same way.  People from all over knew Ms. Helen and loved her.  She too was given honor and it comforted us.

So the statement is true.  Every person, with every day they live, preaches their own funeral. 

Definitely something to ponder.  

Get to Living

I have said this a few times before.  The season when the Holy Spirit was dealing with me about how fear ran my life was one of the hardest I have ever been through.  I now understand He was just dealing with surface things.  This last month we have been digging deeper.  It has been really hard to admit that most of my opinions about myself grew out of fear.  It has been equally hard to pry my fingers off of them and let them go (major…big time hard. #aworkinprogress). 

I wrote a song in 2010 entitled ‘Get to Living’ and it has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks.  Today it is more appropriate than ever.  I leave you with it.

Barbara Arent@2010

GET TO LIVING

Verse 1

There are things in my life I will not talk about so don’t ask me

There are some people I gave up on and let go of

I wish were still here with me

And the place where I am today is choices I have made

And I can’t go back and unmake them

The way I see it, I can give up

Or I can get up and get to living

Verse 2

I’ve survived a lot of pain and there’s a lot of pain that I have caused

There are some hurts that run so deep

They can only be healed by the grace of God

I spent a lot of years looking back

At the failures of my past

And missed the good things right in front of me

Think it’s time to look around and be thankful for what I have

And get to living

Bridge

The sun is rising on a new brand new day

It’s up to me to choose how I face it

Will I let my tears and fears guide each step I take

Or will I let go of my past and be free at last

To live in the here and now

Ending

The place where I am today is choices I have made

Think it’s time to look around and be thankful for what I have

And get to living

Controlled Chaos

Seven early 1900’s tombstones: Dad, Mom and five children who all died under the age of two.

I’ve mentioned it before, I like to read tombstones.  These were in an old community cemetery.  Once I stepped past the pain this couple felt, my writer’s brain kicked in.

• Horror:  were they living out a family curse?  Was the house cursed?
• Thriller:  were they targeted by a crazy sister or cousin who couldn’t have children?  A jilted sweetheart?
• Crime:  was Mom or Dad a serial killer?  Did they kill for the insurance money?
• Psychological:  Did Mom suffer from post-partum depression?  Was Dad or Mom abusive?    What toll did these deaths take on their marriage?
• Historical:  what childhood diseases ran rampant at that time?  Was the family poverty stricken?  Was Dad disabled and not able to work in a time before disability or Medicaid and not able to provide for his family?

With a writer, this goes on all the time. 

Years ago, I was walking through the music store looking at the pianos when a young man asked me if I played by sheet music.  I said yes.  He then asked if I would play a song for him so he could see if it was the right key.  Took the sheet music; it was Ol’ Man River.  Played the introduction and this huge bass voice just rolled out of him.  I was getting into the song when he stop, grabbed the sheet music, said thank you and left.  Excellent beginning to a romance novel.

Most of the time, I am by myself in a restaurant.  I usually have a book and it looks like I am highly engrossed in it.  I am but that doesn’t mean I’m not listening to the conversations going on around me.  Something as simple as hearing the woman behind me saying ‘son eat your beans’, can stir up all kinds of images.  Plus, life is definitely stranger than fiction (think Walmart pictures).

To others, this constant barrage of ideas, scenes and dialogue might resemble chaos.  But, we (writers) usually manage to control it (no, we do…most of the time). 

So if you have a writer friend (song writers too) and they drop out for a moment, cut them some slack.  Maybe, offer them your napkin and a pen.  You never know where that one line that will skyrocket their book to the best seller list will come from.  It might even help control the chaos. 

Holding Pattern 2

Last October, I wrote about being in a holding pattern.  I am happy to say (that for the most part), I have chosen to rest in God, be refreshed, slow down, gather my strength, learn to appreciate the stillness and hear His still small voice.

How do I know this?  Howard and I were discussing the changes happening in our lives (he is also headed in a new direction) and I realized that although I am still in a holding pattern, it’s different.  I’m different.  Do I have it all together? Uh, no (evidence the recent Melt Down blog). 

I've heard many pilots say is it only takes a small adjustment to make a major change in trajectory.  I now realize that over the past six months, God has been making small adjustments and changing my course

For so many years, I allowed holding patterns to annoy and discourage me.  I would bemoan the fact that once again I was going around the same mountain, seeing the same scenery.  I would get aggravated that nothing was changing.  Blah, blah, blah, ad infinitum.  

Barring a major catastrophe, exterior change is not going to happen without interior change happening first.  I knew this but didn’t put it into practice until the last few years.  

Mine started with changing my attitude about food, then deep breathing exercises in the mornings and now walking.  Seven years later, I’m fifty pounds lighter and definitely in better shape.  At the same time, I have been working on my mental health and I am once again more confident in my abilities as a musician, singer, writer…friend.

Keith Moore often says, ‘it’s hard to steer a parked car’.  I may be in a holding pattern but I’m moving; not parked.  I can go whatever direction I need to.  I’ve adjusted my attitude.  Woohoo! 

How long will this particular holding pattern last?  Don’t know.  Not worried about it.  I’m going to sit back, enjoy the view and let God handle that part.

Consistent

Consistent:  always acting or behaving in the same way

I have been meditating on this word lately.  Well, not actually the word but what it means. You won’t see me walking around with my arms out, palms up and my fingers pressed together saying “umm-m-m-m  con-sis-tent”.  (I would if I thought it would help.)  But, I am considering how to work it more consistently into my life (yes, pun intended).

The Holy Spirit has been helping me with my lack of consistency in areas like writing and exercising; you know, good things.  And, my total consistency in other areas like not getting enough sleep, worrying about things only He can fix and ATTITUDE. 

I’ll admit walking through this is a whole lot like when we worked through the fear thing.  It seems the Holy Spirit is always tapping me on the shoulder asking me 'what are you doing' or 'why are you doing this'. 

For me, attitude is a BIG part of it.  Shawn always said I had this look.  Carole agrees.  Recently, Howard told me the words coming out of my mouth didn’t always agree with the look on my face and he’d stick with the words.  (Ya think attitude is a big part of it?)

One of the hardest things for us to do, as humans, is apologize.  There is something about it that sticks in our craw.  It is almost like we have to regurgitate it; especially, if we are still in the height of the emotion that got us there.  That is why the words coming out of my mouth do not always agree with the look on my face.  I am trying to police my words so I don’t have to apologize.  The rant may be going on in my head (hence the look on my face) but I’m trying to slow down the spew coming out of my mouth.

One of the first things I ask myself now is why; why am I mad, irritated or on my last nerve.  About ninety percent of the time, it has nothing to do with what is actually going on at that moment.  Dealing with the straw that broke the camel’s back often only deals with surface issues.  I want to get to the real problem and fix it. 

I have been doing this a lot this past year and I have that friend (you know who you are) who has been a big help in this area.  Most of the time, the problem has been with me; hold over issues from the past I needed to deal with and let go of.  Last night was a big test for me and I’m happy to announce, I passed with flying colors.

Will my actions be consistently consistent (sorry, couldn’t resist)?  Uh, no.  I have sense enough to know that.  But, I’m moving that direction even if it’s at a crawl.

Change

I would venture to say nighty-five percent of the humans on earth have something in their lives they wish they could change.  So why is it when change happens, we don’t like it?’  

I realize, for the most part, changes come from outside forces we have no control over.  Which means, we are usually dragged kicking and screaming through the change.  Do you think it’s because even though we desire change, it requires us to change which we don’t like? 

Let’s be honest, status quo is comfortable.  We know what is required of us and even if our life expands out before us in unending sameness, that sameness is safe and familiar.  We don’t have to stretch or bend or morph into someone different.

But, change is inevitable.  As a Christian, I try to make adjustments in my life every day.  I’m used to the little pokes and prods that accompany them.  The changes I’m talking about are bigger, external ones that require s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g.  Ugh!

Our church is in a transition phase.  We sold the building we were in with basically no place to go (step of faith).  We have temporarily moved into a small building that has required some major logistical contortions. 

As, many of you know, I work in the sound booth.  My responsibilities included the overheads, announcements, lights and recording the service.  All things I had become comfortable with.  Enter the new building.  Not wired for services (or much else).  Plus, we had to change sound boards (which has been a lot of fun…not).  Thank God there are several men in the church who understand what has to happen (Howard definitely needed the help) because the best I could do was fetch and carry.  And of course, they decided to put me back on the keyboard on Sunday mornings. (Hear the creaking of the stretch?)

As a church, we have decided to stay where we are for the time being.  Great.  Wonderful.  We can settle in.  Except, most of the set-up was geared towards being there temporarily.  Howard has slowly been transitioning for long term but now it’s time to go all out.  We start Friday night. 

I don’t freak out about change like I used to so, I really don’t mind.  But, there have been several changes in my personal life also and sometimes I feel like (yes, I’m going to make the comparison) a rubber band stretched between fingers just waiting for the release. 

Really, there's nothing wrong with change.

C-R-E-E-A-A-K.