Baby Steps

Most of my blogs have been about some kind of change I need to make in myself.  Whether I approached them in a light-hearted, sappy or serious manner, these are things I know will either make me a better person or enable me to have a better life.  But, knowing these things doesn’t necessarily transition into change; only change does. 

Uh, duh, right? 

Not so fast.  I can know what I need to do:  for days, weeks, months, even decades and never do it.  I have said it before, there is something very comforting about staying just where we are.  We might get aggravated that nothing ever changes but at least we know what to expect. 

Face it, we are creatures of habit.  It doesn’t matter if we’re couch potatoes or adrenaline junkies, change the status quo and we don’t like it.  And, making the kind of changes I have blogged about requires upsetting the status quo.  I would love to be able to report that I have implemented each and every one and my life is radically different because of it.  Sorry, can’t. 

But…I recently realized I have started taking baby steps.  Wobbly, on my bootie half the time steps but steps.  My attitude about things that are constants in my life is changing.  The way I approach problems is now different.  The fact that I’m not procrastinating as much as I used to (no, seriously!).  They may not be apparent to those around me but I know the change is there.

As humans, to some extent, we are basic drama queens (yes, some of us more than others).  We want change to come in huge spectacular very visible ways.  Most of the time? not gonna happen.  The real lasting change comes in baby steps.  Small adjustments we make that settle in around us for the rest of our lives.  And that’s okay.  The important thing is changing. 

So if you see me wobbling around (maybe falling down), remember; baby steps.

Dropped

And Jonathan, Saul’s son, had a son who was lame in his feet. He was five years old when the tidings came of Saul and Jonathan out of Jezreel, and his nurse took him up and fled. And it came to pass, as she made haste to flee, that he fell and became lame. And his name was Mephibosheth.  2 Samuel 4:4

We had a layman speak last night (Wednesday).  He briefly touched upon this scripture and it rang like a bell in my spirit.

The news of Saul and Jonathan’s deaths had just reached home.  Back then, when a king was overthrown, it was the custom to kill a-l-l of the reigning family plus loyal servants.  This woman had no way of knowing David would soon become king.  Even if she had, Saul had been so intent on killing David, she still would have taken Mephibosheth and fled.   

Although Mephibosheth was a prince, in his small world this nurse was his immediate authority, teacher and caretaker.  When she grabbed him and ran, he just tried to hold on.  The Bible doesn’t go into full detail but the wording suggests that the people coming to slay the house of Saul were moving in.  She grabbed him.  They ran.  Something happened.  He fell (slipped, dropped) and became lame. 

It became so real to me, I could see it moving across the screen like a movie.  Almost immediately, I saw a figure holding me and just as sure as Mephibosheth’s nurse dropped him, this figure was going to drop me.

All of us have been dropped by someone in authority, someone we respected/loved—a parent, pastor, teacher, caretaker, spouse, boss, etc. and it left us crippled.  Made us fearful to trust again. Try again.  Connect again.

Good news!!!  We don’t have to stay crippled.  Whether it is from our childhood or recently, our being dropped experience doesn’t have to color the rest of our lives.  There is healing in Jesus.  He is always ready to pick us up, kiss the boo-boo and not just make it feel better but heal it.

Selfishness

But, what if…I fail, I mess up, I hurt somebody or the Kingdom and it’s not fixable… 

I was convinced if I tried at all, I would mess everything up so badly there would be no fixing it and people would end up in hell because of it. 

Of course that is not true.  God is quite capable of fixing any mistake I make. 

Plus, each person makes their own choice about heaven or hell, life or death,

Jesus or not.  The Bible says we are without excuse (Romans 1:20).  Does that completely let me off the hook? No.  I am still responsible for my mistake.

Circumstances helped convince me no one wanted to hear what I had to say. 

I realized at a young age that keeping my mouth shut was the best way to deal

with just about everything. 

I was convinced that if I opened my mouth, I would offend someone so badly they would turn their back on God.

So, I became almost silent about Him; in essence, making the choice for those

around me.  Not good because then it is all on me.

The Holy Spirit finally pointed out how much I was focused on myself (Uh…duh, right?).  I would have told you I was concerned about everyone else and about not embarrassing God or the Kingdom.  He called it selfishness.  OUCH!

Selfishness comes in all sizes, shapes and forms.  I was so focused on my faults and failures (self-ishness) that I was only existing instead of living.  Of course, I thought I was being humble.  I’ve said it before; true humility is agreeing with God.  Do you see any agreement with God in the paragraphs above?  Neither do I.

Watch out!  Years of habitual silence can be hard to break but I am working on it. 

A Woman of Worth

I recently read Becoming a Woman of Worth by Kristen Clark.  It was a quick informative read and I wrote a review for it on Amazon.  Now for a novelist, saying exactly what you want to in 200 words or less is not an easy thing.  I started it several times and deleted it just as many.  This is what I finally settled on. 

I wish Becoming a Woman of Worth had been available when I was facing divorce after 18 years of marriage.  I have since come to realize I was in textbook depression with a non-existent self-worth.  While reading the book, I often nodded my head in agreement with the author.

I have been a Christian since I was 13.  Have I always followed Jesus as closely as I should? No.  But it never crossed my mind I could become depressed.  I’m a Christian. 

My turning point came when someone took my picture (I’m usually behind the camera) while I was eating cake at a party.  I’ll never forget my reaction when I saw it.  I was slumped so far over, my head was level with the table.  I looked haggard and so sad.

I took it to the only place I knew to and asked God what was wrong with me.  He said, “Barbara, you’re depressed”.  Could have knocked me over with a feather.  I look back now and realize He had been trying to keep me from plunging into full blown depression but I ignored His promptings (shocking, I know).

I asked Him what to do and this time I paid attention.  The first thing He dealt with was the fear in my life.  It was (& still is) was one of the hardest things I've ever been through because fear touched every area of my life.  It seemed like the Holy Spirit was constantly saying, “Barbara, why are you doing that?  Why did you make that decision?”

Have I gotten past it completely? No.  Am I better? Ye…s.  There are still times I get a tap on the shoulder and a question but they are a lot fewer and farther between.

We are daily working on the self-esteem part and I have some good friends who are helping (nagging?) keep me on track.  Part of the proof is this blog.  I do have something to say and enjoy saying it (for those who know me, I know you find that hard to believe.  Bwa-ha-ha).

Becoming the person you were meant to be is a journey not a destination.  

Ready, set, go.

Where Did the Stories Start?

Honestly, I couldn’t tell you.  They have always been in my head.  Plus, I have always been a reader.

I grew up in the ideal location (at least I think it was).  The house sat in a huge pasture. It was the days before rampant fire ants so you could lie in the grass and find crazy things in the clouds.  I spent a lot of time barefoot and away from home.

There was a tree just down from the house with branches brushing the ground.  I could take a book and stay there most of the day without anyone knowing where I was.  Wonderful for living out the story I was reading because it could become anywhere. 

There were also a lot of climbing trees.  You could get up pretty high in some of them and they had branches large enough for me to lie on and read (I sense a re-occurring theme).  It’s a wonder I never fell out of one (correct, sisters?). 

Deeper in the woods, a creek ran the whole length of the property.  The water ran from ankle deep to holes you could swim in.  In one place, there was a tree with a branch sticking out over the water.  It had enough give to dive off into the water below.  Did I ever swim?  No.  Too many crawdads (crawfish) and snapping turtles for me. 

I did spend a lot of time with a stick in my hand plopped in the water.  Of course, it had a string tied on it and a U-nail with bacon on that.  I pulled a lot of crawdads out of that creek.  I missed a lot of them too because I was looking for Indians, aliens or dinosaurs coming out of the woods.  I never knew when I would have to fight or run.  I even wrote about it for a class assignment on description.  I used the smell of the bacon, the tug of the line and how suddenly aliens were hunting me because I was human.  The tug on the line always brought me back to the present.

I remember one time my sisters and a couple of their friends were fishing and they all got a tug on their lines at the same time.  While each one pulled, a huge turtle rose up out of the water.  They all dropped their poles and we left the area.  Picturing it in my mind today, I still see a turtle that must have been four foot around.  How would you like to be swimming and have that surface right by you?

How could I not have stories after that?

    

Expectations

Yes, to all who have been wondering, the third book (Witness) is in the works.  I always heard the second book is the hardest and it was.  Which I find odd, considering I knew the characters, knew the destination and major events along the way.  Still, it took me a lot longer to write than I thought it would.  So has the third one.

Looking back, I realize that expectations had a lot to do with it.  My family and friends had been waiting years for me to do something—anything.  So when I published Vendetta, I had so many congratulations and ‘I really like its’ (which I still appreciate immensely) there was a lot of pressure on me to have a repeat performance with Ghostman.  Since Ghostman turned out okay, one would suppose book three would flow smoothly from my fingertips.  Bwaa-haa-haa. 

I had a hard time settling on who would be book three.  I know that sounds odd but I am a character driven writer.  I get to know and like the hero and heroine, then build the story around them. 

The publication date for Ghostman was fast approaching and I still hadn’t decided who would be book three (I have 3 others started).  I was leaning towards Jason.  After all he is ex-navy seal, works in private security, honorable, trustworthy…in other words, easy to write about.  Jessica (spoiler alert), the woman I am pairing him with, is just the opposite.  Also, easy to write about.

But I kept getting pulled back to Wade and Penny.  Wade started at the FBI in research, then moved to Homeland Security.  Not an action packed job.  Penny just graduated law school and is unsure what she wants to do with the rest of her life.  So, I wrote the blurb for Witness and committed myself.

I need a message in the story.  I didn’t know Wade and Penny’s, so I was unsure what path to take.  It took me awhile to realize that was the problem.  When I did, I asked God about it.  He said the message was in the blurb (picture puzzled face).  It was.  Both Wade's and Penny’s lives have been upended.  They need direction.  Universal theme.  Problem solved.

Still, I’m a dot your ‘i’; cross your ‘t’ kind of person.  I know the characters, know the destination and major events along the way.  I even have the beginning of the end written.  But…the how was eluding me.  Wade is not a field agent.  Yes, he has the training but will it kick in?  Will someone else have to ‘save the day’?  I am unwilling to use a ninth inning save.  It has to be plausible.

Wade will know what to do when the time arises.  Again, the expectations I placed on myself have been the problem.

Now, Wade and Penny can get their story out.  Book three is on its way.

Vendetta (E-book: Smashwords)
Ghostman (E-book: Smashwords)

Shocking

For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.  Because the carnal mind is enmity (deep-seated dislike or ill will) against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.  So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God. Romans 8:6-8

It’s a little shocking to realize that I’m not the Christian I thought I was.  I often jokingly said that mine has been a long, hard fought battle because I have fought God long and hard about everything.  Sad to say, it’s true (Ugh—picture head banging desk).

Last night I was listening to an old Copeland teaching called ‘Lessons from Daniel’ and it really brought home the definition of a carnal Christian.  Basically, it is someone who puts their thoughts, their beliefs and how they feel above the word of God. 

Look at the phrase ‘an old sinner saved by grace’.  I was an old sinner but once I received Jesus as my Savior, according to the Book, old things passed away and I became a new creature (2 Corinthians 5:17).  So, to call myself an old sinner now would be at enmity with God’s word and therefore God, wouldn’t it?

Now some of my mainstays and what the Bible says about it:

I don’t know enough:

If any man lacks wisdom, let him ask…James 1:5.

He will guide you into all truth…John 16:13

I don’t have enough:

He has already given us all things that pertain to life…2 Peter 1:3

He will supply all my needs…Philippians 4:19

I’m not good enough:

He that is least…is greater…Luke 7:28

These signs shall follow them that believe…Mark 16:17

Just in myself, all my old mainstays are true.  But, I’m not just in myself.  I am now ‘in Christ Jesus’ (1 Corinthians 1:30).  So, what the Book says about me trumps my thoughts, beliefs and feelings.

So, am I ready to quit being at enmity with God? Definitely.  Will it be automatic? No.  But, with the Holy Spirit to tap me on the shoulder when I fall back into old habits, it will be done.


If you haven't, check out my books; Vendetta & Ghostman

Vendetta--Check it out          E-book: Smashwords
Ghostman--Check it out        E-book: Smashwords