Springtime

Today is the first day of Spring and it’s not hard to admit I would much rather be outside.  The day looks beautiful through the corner office window (boss’).  It’s a good thing I don’t have one handy.  I would probably be totally useless because I would be staring outside. 

I have always gotten Spring fever.  I can remember sitting in class in high school and hearing the train go by.  I so wanted to be on it going somewhere else.  I can remember saying ‘you’ve been here nine years, you can do four more’ (kindergarten).  Then it was three.  Then it was two.  Then it was one.

I still get that way.  Only now, I tend to get Fall fever too.  When the weather is like this, I want to be out on the open road or somewhere drowning a worm and reading a book; not sitting at a desk doing the same thing over and over again.

Spring does seem to be a little slow in coming this year but Easter is late this year also.  That means we have one more cold snap before spring comes in all its glory.  Then we will probably plunge into summer (it is Texas).  So, being able to enjoy days like today is nice.  And since we are in Daylight Savings time, I will get to when I get off work.  Yea!

So if it’s at all possible, step outside.  Feel the sun on your face and the breeze in your hair. Then thank the Father for such a beautiful day.

Why?

I don't read Stephen King because I don't do horror.  But almost twenty-five years ago, I found the book he wrote for his children; The Eyes of the Dragon.  It was very good but left you hanging because the younger son and his servant started pursuing the evil wizard, Flagg.  Obviously, book two in the works.  I eagerly waited for it.  And waited.  And w-a-i-t-e-d.  It never came.

Fast forward to the Dark Tower Series.  Someone gave Dad book one because the cover looked like a western.  Not even close.  He passed it on to me.  I liked it.  Got book two but didn't finish.  Couldn't get past the language.

Then I read an interview he did concerning the series.  He said Roland Deschain might not be the one to find the wizard and hinted at a young man and his servant who were also chasing this wizard.  Totally knew it was the younger son from the Eyes of the Dragon.  Don't know if that's what he did but UH!  Not cool!

So, I know what waiting for the next book is like.

Now to my writing.  The most asked question from those who have read Vendetta is 'why'.  To be honest, I wasn't sure.  I didn't actually settle on a reason for the villain's action until after the book was published.  In Ghostman, I introduced the Broker (main villain).  Witness gives more information about him.  Not sure which book will herald his demise but it's coming.

For all those wondering, Jim's story (already in the works) explains the 'why' from Vendetta.

And no, you won't have to wait twenty-five years for it.

A Comedy? of Errors

Suffice it to say, I was not running on all cylinders Monday morning.  Knowing pretty much everything was frozen, I got up early because I knew I would have to drive 30 to get to work. 

Sunday evening, I cleaned the first wave of sleet off of my car, steps and back porch.  I was under the mistaken impression it would help me Monday morning.  Bwa-ha-ha.  I had to use channel-locks to get my back door open.  The dogs did manage to get down and back up the steps without damaging themselves.  That was encouraging.  Then I took my first foray outside.

Since I was just checking things out, I didn’t take water with me.  Not good.  The screen door snapped shut and I was locked out of the house.  With no water, I couldn’t get in the car.  I did have my heavy coat on (that isn’t always the case if I’m just going out for a minute).  But, my gloves were in the coat inside the car. 

Now you might think, go in the back door; it’s open.  Uh, no.  The gate into the back yard was at the edge of my old trailer.  The new trailer is 12 foot longer so we took the gate down.  That was three years ago and still, no gate.  I have climbed over the fence but with all the ice…

Went to Brenda’s to get water.  Of course, the gate was frozen shut and by this time, my fingers were ruby red from the cold.  Finally kicked it hard enough to loosen the hinges and get it open.  Got the water and some gloves.  The water didn’t work on the car or the screen door.  Went back to Brenda’s (without the pitcher, of course); got a screwdriver.  No amount of prying would get the car door open.  I finally hit the knob on the screen door hard enough to press it in.  Yea!!!  I could get in my house (thankfully it didn’t break the handle). 

By this time, Brenda was headed over with another pitcher of water.   She walks up and says why don’t we try this door (passenger side away from the onslaught, very little ice—grrr).  Got the door opened and started the car.  She also had deicer which didn’t work on the driver’s door.

So, I crawled across the console (no it doesn’t raise up).  That alone was an America’s Funniest Video moment.  Shouldered the door open and stepped out to clean off the windshield wipers.  Remember all the water I had poured on the door trying to get it open?  Left foot slid away from me leaving me half in—half out of the car.  Sigh…

Finally leave the house and point my nose towards I-20 like always.  The roads were fairly clear and I was turning toward the on ramp before I realized what I was doing.  To my surprise, I-20 was almost completely clear.  Smooth sailing all the way.  Seems this side of Longview didn’t get all the stuff we did.  Was only four minutes late.  Imagine that.

After the fact, a friend told me “Next time use WD-40.  It will loosen the seal on the ice.” (grrrrrrrrrrr).  Bought a BIG can.  

Baby Steps

Most of my blogs have been about some kind of change I need to make in myself.  Whether I approached them in a light-hearted, sappy or serious manner, these are things I know will either make me a better person or enable me to have a better life.  But, knowing these things doesn’t necessarily transition into change; only change does. 

Uh, duh, right? 

Not so fast.  I can know what I need to do:  for days, weeks, months, even decades and never do it.  I have said it before, there is something very comforting about staying just where we are.  We might get aggravated that nothing ever changes but at least we know what to expect. 

Face it, we are creatures of habit.  It doesn’t matter if we’re couch potatoes or adrenaline junkies, change the status quo and we don’t like it.  And, making the kind of changes I have blogged about requires upsetting the status quo.  I would love to be able to report that I have implemented each and every one and my life is radically different because of it.  Sorry, can’t. 

But…I recently realized I have started taking baby steps.  Wobbly, on my bootie half the time steps but steps.  My attitude about things that are constants in my life is changing.  The way I approach problems is now different.  The fact that I’m not procrastinating as much as I used to (no, seriously!).  They may not be apparent to those around me but I know the change is there.

As humans, to some extent, we are basic drama queens (yes, some of us more than others).  We want change to come in huge spectacular very visible ways.  Most of the time? not gonna happen.  The real lasting change comes in baby steps.  Small adjustments we make that settle in around us for the rest of our lives.  And that’s okay.  The important thing is changing. 

So if you see me wobbling around (maybe falling down), remember; baby steps.

Dropped

And Jonathan, Saul’s son, had a son who was lame in his feet. He was five years old when the tidings came of Saul and Jonathan out of Jezreel, and his nurse took him up and fled. And it came to pass, as she made haste to flee, that he fell and became lame. And his name was Mephibosheth.  2 Samuel 4:4

We had a layman speak last night (Wednesday).  He briefly touched upon this scripture and it rang like a bell in my spirit.

The news of Saul and Jonathan’s deaths had just reached home.  Back then, when a king was overthrown, it was the custom to kill a-l-l of the reigning family plus loyal servants.  This woman had no way of knowing David would soon become king.  Even if she had, Saul had been so intent on killing David, she still would have taken Mephibosheth and fled.   

Although Mephibosheth was a prince, in his small world this nurse was his immediate authority, teacher and caretaker.  When she grabbed him and ran, he just tried to hold on.  The Bible doesn’t go into full detail but the wording suggests that the people coming to slay the house of Saul were moving in.  She grabbed him.  They ran.  Something happened.  He fell (slipped, dropped) and became lame. 

It became so real to me, I could see it moving across the screen like a movie.  Almost immediately, I saw a figure holding me and just as sure as Mephibosheth’s nurse dropped him, this figure was going to drop me.

All of us have been dropped by someone in authority, someone we respected/loved—a parent, pastor, teacher, caretaker, spouse, boss, etc. and it left us crippled.  Made us fearful to trust again. Try again.  Connect again.

Good news!!!  We don’t have to stay crippled.  Whether it is from our childhood or recently, our being dropped experience doesn’t have to color the rest of our lives.  There is healing in Jesus.  He is always ready to pick us up, kiss the boo-boo and not just make it feel better but heal it.

Selfishness

But, what if…I fail, I mess up, I hurt somebody or the Kingdom and it’s not fixable… 

I was convinced if I tried at all, I would mess everything up so badly there would be no fixing it and people would end up in hell because of it. 

Of course that is not true.  God is quite capable of fixing any mistake I make. 

Plus, each person makes their own choice about heaven or hell, life or death,

Jesus or not.  The Bible says we are without excuse (Romans 1:20).  Does that completely let me off the hook? No.  I am still responsible for my mistake.

Circumstances helped convince me no one wanted to hear what I had to say. 

I realized at a young age that keeping my mouth shut was the best way to deal

with just about everything. 

I was convinced that if I opened my mouth, I would offend someone so badly they would turn their back on God.

So, I became almost silent about Him; in essence, making the choice for those

around me.  Not good because then it is all on me.

The Holy Spirit finally pointed out how much I was focused on myself (Uh…duh, right?).  I would have told you I was concerned about everyone else and about not embarrassing God or the Kingdom.  He called it selfishness.  OUCH!

Selfishness comes in all sizes, shapes and forms.  I was so focused on my faults and failures (self-ishness) that I was only existing instead of living.  Of course, I thought I was being humble.  I’ve said it before; true humility is agreeing with God.  Do you see any agreement with God in the paragraphs above?  Neither do I.

Watch out!  Years of habitual silence can be hard to break but I am working on it. 

A Woman of Worth

I recently read Becoming a Woman of Worth by Kristen Clark.  It was a quick informative read and I wrote a review for it on Amazon.  Now for a novelist, saying exactly what you want to in 200 words or less is not an easy thing.  I started it several times and deleted it just as many.  This is what I finally settled on. 

I wish Becoming a Woman of Worth had been available when I was facing divorce after 18 years of marriage.  I have since come to realize I was in textbook depression with a non-existent self-worth.  While reading the book, I often nodded my head in agreement with the author.

I have been a Christian since I was 13.  Have I always followed Jesus as closely as I should? No.  But it never crossed my mind I could become depressed.  I’m a Christian. 

My turning point came when someone took my picture (I’m usually behind the camera) while I was eating cake at a party.  I’ll never forget my reaction when I saw it.  I was slumped so far over, my head was level with the table.  I looked haggard and so sad.

I took it to the only place I knew to and asked God what was wrong with me.  He said, “Barbara, you’re depressed”.  Could have knocked me over with a feather.  I look back now and realize He had been trying to keep me from plunging into full blown depression but I ignored His promptings (shocking, I know).

I asked Him what to do and this time I paid attention.  The first thing He dealt with was the fear in my life.  It was (& still is) was one of the hardest things I've ever been through because fear touched every area of my life.  It seemed like the Holy Spirit was constantly saying, “Barbara, why are you doing that?  Why did you make that decision?”

Have I gotten past it completely? No.  Am I better? Ye…s.  There are still times I get a tap on the shoulder and a question but they are a lot fewer and farther between.

We are daily working on the self-esteem part and I have some good friends who are helping (nagging?) keep me on track.  Part of the proof is this blog.  I do have something to say and enjoy saying it (for those who know me, I know you find that hard to believe.  Bwa-ha-ha).

Becoming the person you were meant to be is a journey not a destination.  

Ready, set, go.