Baby Steps

Most of my blogs have been about some kind of change I need to make in myself.  Whether I approached them in a light-hearted, sappy or serious manner, these are things I know will either make me a better person or enable me to have a better life.  But, knowing these things doesn’t necessarily transition into change; only change does. 

Uh, duh, right? 

Not so fast.  I can know what I need to do:  for days, weeks, months, even decades and never do it.  I have said it before, there is something very comforting about staying just where we are.  We might get aggravated that nothing ever changes but at least we know what to expect. 

Face it, we are creatures of habit.  It doesn’t matter if we’re couch potatoes or adrenaline junkies, change the status quo and we don’t like it.  And, making the kind of changes I have blogged about requires upsetting the status quo.  I would love to be able to report that I have implemented each and every one and my life is radically different because of it.  Sorry, can’t. 

But…I recently realized I have started taking baby steps.  Wobbly, on my bootie half the time steps but steps.  My attitude about things that are constants in my life is changing.  The way I approach problems is now different.  The fact that I’m not procrastinating as much as I used to (no, seriously!).  They may not be apparent to those around me but I know the change is there.

As humans, to some extent, we are basic drama queens (yes, some of us more than others).  We want change to come in huge spectacular very visible ways.  Most of the time? not gonna happen.  The real lasting change comes in baby steps.  Small adjustments we make that settle in around us for the rest of our lives.  And that’s okay.  The important thing is changing. 

So if you see me wobbling around (maybe falling down), remember; baby steps.

Dropped

And Jonathan, Saul’s son, had a son who was lame in his feet. He was five years old when the tidings came of Saul and Jonathan out of Jezreel, and his nurse took him up and fled. And it came to pass, as she made haste to flee, that he fell and became lame. And his name was Mephibosheth.  2 Samuel 4:4

We had a layman speak last night (Wednesday).  He briefly touched upon this scripture and it rang like a bell in my spirit.

The news of Saul and Jonathan’s deaths had just reached home.  Back then, when a king was overthrown, it was the custom to kill a-l-l of the reigning family plus loyal servants.  This woman had no way of knowing David would soon become king.  Even if she had, Saul had been so intent on killing David, she still would have taken Mephibosheth and fled.   

Although Mephibosheth was a prince, in his small world this nurse was his immediate authority, teacher and caretaker.  When she grabbed him and ran, he just tried to hold on.  The Bible doesn’t go into full detail but the wording suggests that the people coming to slay the house of Saul were moving in.  She grabbed him.  They ran.  Something happened.  He fell (slipped, dropped) and became lame. 

It became so real to me, I could see it moving across the screen like a movie.  Almost immediately, I saw a figure holding me and just as sure as Mephibosheth’s nurse dropped him, this figure was going to drop me.

All of us have been dropped by someone in authority, someone we respected/loved—a parent, pastor, teacher, caretaker, spouse, boss, etc. and it left us crippled.  Made us fearful to trust again. Try again.  Connect again.

Good news!!!  We don’t have to stay crippled.  Whether it is from our childhood or recently, our being dropped experience doesn’t have to color the rest of our lives.  There is healing in Jesus.  He is always ready to pick us up, kiss the boo-boo and not just make it feel better but heal it.

Selfishness

But, what if…I fail, I mess up, I hurt somebody or the Kingdom and it’s not fixable… 

I was convinced if I tried at all, I would mess everything up so badly there would be no fixing it and people would end up in hell because of it. 

Of course that is not true.  God is quite capable of fixing any mistake I make. 

Plus, each person makes their own choice about heaven or hell, life or death,

Jesus or not.  The Bible says we are without excuse (Romans 1:20).  Does that completely let me off the hook? No.  I am still responsible for my mistake.

Circumstances helped convince me no one wanted to hear what I had to say. 

I realized at a young age that keeping my mouth shut was the best way to deal

with just about everything. 

I was convinced that if I opened my mouth, I would offend someone so badly they would turn their back on God.

So, I became almost silent about Him; in essence, making the choice for those

around me.  Not good because then it is all on me.

The Holy Spirit finally pointed out how much I was focused on myself (Uh…duh, right?).  I would have told you I was concerned about everyone else and about not embarrassing God or the Kingdom.  He called it selfishness.  OUCH!

Selfishness comes in all sizes, shapes and forms.  I was so focused on my faults and failures (self-ishness) that I was only existing instead of living.  Of course, I thought I was being humble.  I’ve said it before; true humility is agreeing with God.  Do you see any agreement with God in the paragraphs above?  Neither do I.

Watch out!  Years of habitual silence can be hard to break but I am working on it. 

A Woman of Worth

I recently read Becoming a Woman of Worth by Kristen Clark.  It was a quick informative read and I wrote a review for it on Amazon.  Now for a novelist, saying exactly what you want to in 200 words or less is not an easy thing.  I started it several times and deleted it just as many.  This is what I finally settled on. 

I wish Becoming a Woman of Worth had been available when I was facing divorce after 18 years of marriage.  I have since come to realize I was in textbook depression with a non-existent self-worth.  While reading the book, I often nodded my head in agreement with the author.

I have been a Christian since I was 13.  Have I always followed Jesus as closely as I should? No.  But it never crossed my mind I could become depressed.  I’m a Christian. 

My turning point came when someone took my picture (I’m usually behind the camera) while I was eating cake at a party.  I’ll never forget my reaction when I saw it.  I was slumped so far over, my head was level with the table.  I looked haggard and so sad.

I took it to the only place I knew to and asked God what was wrong with me.  He said, “Barbara, you’re depressed”.  Could have knocked me over with a feather.  I look back now and realize He had been trying to keep me from plunging into full blown depression but I ignored His promptings (shocking, I know).

I asked Him what to do and this time I paid attention.  The first thing He dealt with was the fear in my life.  It was (& still is) was one of the hardest things I've ever been through because fear touched every area of my life.  It seemed like the Holy Spirit was constantly saying, “Barbara, why are you doing that?  Why did you make that decision?”

Have I gotten past it completely? No.  Am I better? Ye…s.  There are still times I get a tap on the shoulder and a question but they are a lot fewer and farther between.

We are daily working on the self-esteem part and I have some good friends who are helping (nagging?) keep me on track.  Part of the proof is this blog.  I do have something to say and enjoy saying it (for those who know me, I know you find that hard to believe.  Bwa-ha-ha).

Becoming the person you were meant to be is a journey not a destination.  

Ready, set, go.