Regret 2

Last December I blogged about how living in regret had colored my whole life.  I decided it was time for an update. 

I can say that I have come a long way in the last nine months.  I can sing the old songs now without going into a blue funk over my past.  In last week’s blog, I said the Holy Spirit has been repeatedly tapping me on the shoulder lately.  There is a difference this time and I know it’s because my attitude (there’s that word) is different.  I don’t automatically start beating myself up because I've failed yet again. 

Beating myself up put me in a place where the Spirit couldn't help me because I would make it all about me.  You know; I’m not good enough, I don’t do enough, I don’t know enough, I’m such a sorry human being . 

The litany could go on but I don’t live there anymore.  How do I know?  Last Monday I took myself to see a movie.  I briefly looked it up online but about half-way in, I realized I should have dug a little deeper.  Sigh…  Not because I am beating myself up over the mistake, I repented.  I was forgiven.  No, the sigh was because I could have used my money to see something else.  It was only last night as I was reading in Psalms that it came back into my mind.  Total surprise.  I had actually let it go; put it behind me and moved forward.  I hadn't let it become a constant reminder of my failure like I would have in the past.

I call that progress.  I call that freedom.

Hiatus

I apologize for the unannounced break in blog posting.  It was unintentional and unexpected.  I appreciate your patience and the lack of negative comments about it.

No, a major disaster did not occur.  No, I was not in the hospital or out of commission in any way.  Nor was I on vacation (sigh).  Life did get a little crazy, though.  There were several (figurative) fires at work that took all hands on deck to put out.  Plus, my personal life was going a little haywire. 

Things have settled down at work and the smoldering embers have moved on to someone else.  My personal life is starting to straighten out because God has been working on my attitude.  Amazing how much that word comes up in my blogs.  I recently saw a picture on Facebook with the caption ‘apparently I have an attitude; who knew’.  So me.

I’ve been listening to some excellent teaching by Keith Moore, reading How to Worship a King by Zach Neese and Pastor Rayburn has been preaching some awesome messages at New Heights.  Needless to say, the Holy Spirit has been tapping me on the shoulder a lot. 

So, I’ve had so much stuff going around in my head I couldn’t settle on one thing.  I would start something and think no, I’m not ready to discuss that yet.  Or, I don’t understand that enough to tell someone else about it.  I couldn’t even come up with anything amusing from my past.  A sad state for a writer.  My novel has also suffered because of it.

A biggie has been Keith Moore’s ‘The Trial of Peter’s Faith’.  It’s about not becoming offended.  All Bible students know that when you study a subject in depth, you get plenty of opportunity to put it into practice.  By the time I got to church last night, I was mentally exhausted and a bit on the touchy side (no comment from the peanut gallery). 

I can’t tell you exactly what happened last night; I just know God set me up.  Amber asked me if I wanted her to do the overheads.  I jumped on it.  That left me free to sing with the worship team and sit in the congregation for the sermon.  I love what I do but it was a very nice change.  By the time I left, I was on a much more even keel.

I know those around me were very happy.

Hard Firsts

Today was the annual back to school shopping trip.  Most of you know my sisters were and are teachers.  We always get together to go shopping for back to school clothes, shoes and miscellaneous.  It's like the annual Christmas shopping trip.  I usually go to laugh and eat lunch.

Anola's sudden passing will move us through many 1st.  This was the beginning of those; the first shopping trip without her.  Soon it will be the first day of school.  Then it will be Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Anola was a seasonal decorator and Halloween was one of her favorites.  She had salt and pepper shakers, cookie jars, candy dishes, lights, stuff to hang in the windows, things to put outside.  Yeah, all out. She did most things that way.

I must admit, I was a little leery.  I asked a friend to pray for us today and he did.  I know, because I could feel them.  We had a choice.  We could be all weepy and sad-sack or we could laugh and enjoy ourselves like we usually do.  I know which one Anola would choose for us.  We decided to laugh.  

Normally, we don’t come home with that many items.  The last few years, it’s been mostly baby stuff.  Since the kiddos are all healthy and clothed, we didn’t even wander that way.  Plus, Amanda didn’t get to go with this year and she is the baby shopper extraordinaire.  She is also Brenda's and Ada's personal shopper.  She picks stuff out and they decide to buy it our not.   

This necessitated Brenda and Ada actually shopping for themselves.  Wonder of wonders, they both bought items in the first three stores we went to.  That made it a full day already.  What made it even more ‘not normal’ was that I bought things, too.

Did we get teary-eyed?  Yes, but only a little.  We are women; we are tough.  We love, we laugh, we cry.  Anyone remember ‘Steel Magnolias’? 

All in all, it’s been a good day.

She's Alive

There’s a picture circulating on Facebook with an older woman sitting in a lounge chair with a drink in her hand.  The caption says ‘Some days I look back on my life and I’m impressed I’m still alive’.

I represent that…a lot.  

And that old saying ‘fools rush in where angels fear to tread’?  Yeah, that one too.

I was told once the expression on my face while I sing catches people’s attention.  I can’t help it.  Example:  Amazing Grace is an awesome song but when I start verse three (through many dangers, toils and snares) the smile starts and keeps getting bigger.  If I don’t watch it, I’ll be laughing out loud.  Why?  I’m remembering some of the dumb things I’ve done and how God kept me through them.  

I wasn’t considered wild.  Matter of fact, some would have said I was fairly dull as a youth.  But, there are some who know better (no comments).  I tended to wade into situations where I might not have known everything that was going on.  There were several impulsive side trips on my way home that resulted in 13 point U-turns (in a small car) or coming home wet because I decided to go swimming.

I didn’t think a thing about taking my nieces and nephews to the lake alone.  I would have four kids on a raft in deep water.  I can hear the gasps.  I babysat five kids (18 months to 5; two families) and would drive uptown to the five and dime or walk to the country store about half a mile away.  Me and five little kids.

One time I topped a hill (flying) and two cars were in the middle of the road; the men talking.  Thank God there was an oilfield lease with gravel right there.  I jerked it hard to the left; the car spun around and started to roll.  I was tilted over Gwen’s (friend) head staring that gravel in the face.  I just said ‘Jesus’ and the car settled back down upright.  It blew out a tire and knocked the front out of alignment.  We were late but we made it to church.

One summer, I help my brother-in-law pulp wood.  We were working on a huge tree that was in a gulley and leaning towards the neighbors.  Larry got the cable up as high as he could and started cutting.  I was working the winch from inside the truck staying on the gas and brake to keep the cable tight and bring the tree our direction.  The truck was standing straight up on its back wheels by the time the tree came down (yes, on our side).  We called it a day after that.

‘Some days I look back on my life and I’m impressed I’m still alive’ is not just a saying to me.  I really represent that…a lot.  

The Hidden Talent

Mathew 25:14-30:  ²⁵ And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth…

There are as many reasons for hidden talents as there are people who’ve hidden them.  But, as with the story in the Bible, they all point back to ‘I was afraid’.

I have contemplated this passage many times over the years but would always shy away from bringing it out into the full light of the Holy Spirit.  I was sure I had hidden that one talent and like the man in the story, God was not pleased with me.  Sounds like fear to me.

One of the ways I have been dealing with the fear is by listening to good solid teaching on it. Keith Moore’s series, Free From All Fears, is excellent.  I learn a little more every time I listen to it.  This time, the Holy Spirit touched on the buried talent.  This time, I did not shy away when the He brought it up again.  Surprisingly, it did not play out like I thought it would.

For those who don’t know me, I can sing; get on the stage and belt it out sing.  I play the piano and strum guitar.  I write books (Vendetta & Ghostman) & songs (Get to Living).  I love to teach.  I have so many ideas rolling around in my head, it would make a whirligig dizzy.  So much so, that I have been taken to task over and over and over (ad infinitum) again for not doing something with them.  Hence the sense of the hidden talent.

I have stated before that I don’t care to be famous.  I want the famous people to know who I am.  I have a nephew, Cody Wayne, who is well on his way to being famous, kudos to him.  Still, that’s not my world.

This time when I faced it, the Holy Spirit told me what my talent was.  I do use the single word talent.  Yes, I can do all these other things and for my talent to be in use, I need to be able to.  That’s the kicker.  God has given me these abilities so I can use that talent and to my surprise, I have been.  I just never realized it because I did not recognize the talent. 

Verse 15 in the Amplified says that he gave ‘to each in proportion to his own personal ability’.  God is well aware of the talents He has given us and He has also given us the ability to use those talents; to gain more.  I know, it’s another one of those ‘duh’ statements.  Still, how many of us really believe in the given ability?

This revelation rocked my world.  Happy dance.  

The Challenge 2

It’s hard to believe today is the twenty-first day of 'The Challenge'.  It seems like I just wrote about it and now it’s over.

This is what I wrote in 'The Challenge' blog:

So, this is what I have decided.  I am going to find 21 scriptures that tell me how God sees me and starting June 15, I am going to speak them over myself several times a day; one for each of the 21 days.  If the experts are correct, at the end of the 21 days I should have a God image of myself firmly planted in me.

  

But things went a little differently than I planned.  When I started seeking out the scriptures I would use, these are the some of the ones the Holy Spirit directed me to.

1. Jude, the servant of Jesus Christ, and brother of James, to them that are sanctified by God the Father, and preserved in Jesus Christ, and called:  Jude 1
2. But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us,  Ephesians 2:4
3. Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.  1 Thessalonians 5:24

The re-occurring theme is my view of who God is, what He does.  It surprised me.  I asked why when the whole point was to get a God view of myself.  Answer:  until I have a correct view of God, I will never understand or receive His view of me.  This is one of those things I knew intellectually but had never really meditated on it until it became heart knowledge. 

Jude 1:  God sanctified me, preserved me and called me. 

• Sanctified:  He set me apart for His use.  He cleaned me up.  He did
• Preserved:  He keeps me in perfect or unaltered condition:  He maintains me unchanged.
• Called:  He claimed my time and life—call of duty.

Ephesians 2:4:  Everything He did for me was because He is rich in mercy and loves.

• Because He loved, He gave His most prized possession—His Son
• Because of His mercy, He had the plan set in motion before man was ever created (Revelation 13:8).

1 Thessalonians 5:24:  I can trust Him with my calling and getting it done.

• Faithful:  true to His word, reliable, trusted and/or believable.
• Will do:  deliberate action.

Am I different?  Yeah.  Did I see massive overnight change?  No.  But I do know if you set yourself to seek the face of God, change happens.

So, if you see me wobbling around, remember baby steps.   

A Job Friend

I have been listening to a CD by a guest speaker at our church, Bro. Wade McKinney.  He spoke on the “Breath of the Rainmaker” out of Job 14:7-9.  This passage is after Job’s tribulations and he is commenting on a plucked up by the roots tree.  It is a powerful message about the wild olive trees and how new life sprouts around destroyed ones.  It doesn’t matter if they’ve been chopped down, burnt or uprooted by a storm, at the first hint of rain buds come from the roots. 

Bro. McKinney paints a very poignant picture of Job and the things around him as he looks down this hill at that tree.  But what he says about Job’s friends caught my attention this time.  One said, “If you had done it this way…”.  Another said, “There must be some sin in your life…”.  These are two friends who, at this moment, are oh so religious when he just needs a relationship.

Makes me wonder; how often—in trying to be a Christian friend—I just managed to be religious and not a friend.  We do have our clichés and are not afraid to pull them out. Especially, when we don’t know what to say (hint:  sometimes it’s better to keep our mouths shut and give a hug instead).

There are times when we don’t understand what is going on.  And, we definitely don’t have all the answer.  That’s okay.  That realization, for me, has been a long time coming.  I have said before, I am a dot your ‘i’s; cross your ‘t’s kind of person.  So, you can imagine how not knowing affects me. 

I do know I don’t want to hear clichés.  So, I try not to spout them off to anyone else.  I’ll admit, though, clichés are safer than saying ‘I don’t know’.  And, they fit into dotting ‘i’s and crossing ‘t’s very well. 

Even though our clichés are rooted in truth, they rarely help in that moment simply because they have become clichés.  At a later date when things have settled down and you can discuss the truth of the clichés, trot them out; nothing wrong with that.

I know different people handle things differently.  But since the Bible tell us to treat others like we want to be treated (Luke 6:31), I’ll skip the clichés, speak a few heart felt words, give that hug and try not to be a Job friend.