Controlled Chaos

Seven early 1900’s tombstones: Dad, Mom and five children who all died under the age of two.

I’ve mentioned it before, I like to read tombstones.  These were in an old community cemetery.  Once I stepped past the pain this couple felt, my writer’s brain kicked in.

• Horror:  were they living out a family curse?  Was the house cursed?
• Thriller:  were they targeted by a crazy sister or cousin who couldn’t have children?  A jilted sweetheart?
• Crime:  was Mom or Dad a serial killer?  Did they kill for the insurance money?
• Psychological:  Did Mom suffer from post-partum depression?  Was Dad or Mom abusive?    What toll did these deaths take on their marriage?
• Historical:  what childhood diseases ran rampant at that time?  Was the family poverty stricken?  Was Dad disabled and not able to work in a time before disability or Medicaid and not able to provide for his family?

With a writer, this goes on all the time. 

Years ago, I was walking through the music store looking at the pianos when a young man asked me if I played by sheet music.  I said yes.  He then asked if I would play a song for him so he could see if it was the right key.  Took the sheet music; it was Ol’ Man River.  Played the introduction and this huge bass voice just rolled out of him.  I was getting into the song when he stop, grabbed the sheet music, said thank you and left.  Excellent beginning to a romance novel.

Most of the time, I am by myself in a restaurant.  I usually have a book and it looks like I am highly engrossed in it.  I am but that doesn’t mean I’m not listening to the conversations going on around me.  Something as simple as hearing the woman behind me saying ‘son eat your beans’, can stir up all kinds of images.  Plus, life is definitely stranger than fiction (think Walmart pictures).

To others, this constant barrage of ideas, scenes and dialogue might resemble chaos.  But, we (writers) usually manage to control it (no, we do…most of the time). 

So if you have a writer friend (song writers too) and they drop out for a moment, cut them some slack.  Maybe, offer them your napkin and a pen.  You never know where that one line that will skyrocket their book to the best seller list will come from.  It might even help control the chaos. 

Holding Pattern 2

Last October, I wrote about being in a holding pattern.  I am happy to say (that for the most part), I have chosen to rest in God, be refreshed, slow down, gather my strength, learn to appreciate the stillness and hear His still small voice.

How do I know this?  Howard and I were discussing the changes happening in our lives (he is also headed in a new direction) and I realized that although I am still in a holding pattern, it’s different.  I’m different.  Do I have it all together? Uh, no (evidence the recent Melt Down blog). 

I've heard many pilots say is it only takes a small adjustment to make a major change in trajectory.  I now realize that over the past six months, God has been making small adjustments and changing my course

For so many years, I allowed holding patterns to annoy and discourage me.  I would bemoan the fact that once again I was going around the same mountain, seeing the same scenery.  I would get aggravated that nothing was changing.  Blah, blah, blah, ad infinitum.  

Barring a major catastrophe, exterior change is not going to happen without interior change happening first.  I knew this but didn’t put it into practice until the last few years.  

Mine started with changing my attitude about food, then deep breathing exercises in the mornings and now walking.  Seven years later, I’m fifty pounds lighter and definitely in better shape.  At the same time, I have been working on my mental health and I am once again more confident in my abilities as a musician, singer, writer…friend.

Keith Moore often says, ‘it’s hard to steer a parked car’.  I may be in a holding pattern but I’m moving; not parked.  I can go whatever direction I need to.  I’ve adjusted my attitude.  Woohoo! 

How long will this particular holding pattern last?  Don’t know.  Not worried about it.  I’m going to sit back, enjoy the view and let God handle that part.

Consistent

Consistent:  always acting or behaving in the same way

I have been meditating on this word lately.  Well, not actually the word but what it means. You won’t see me walking around with my arms out, palms up and my fingers pressed together saying “umm-m-m-m  con-sis-tent”.  (I would if I thought it would help.)  But, I am considering how to work it more consistently into my life (yes, pun intended).

The Holy Spirit has been helping me with my lack of consistency in areas like writing and exercising; you know, good things.  And, my total consistency in other areas like not getting enough sleep, worrying about things only He can fix and ATTITUDE. 

I’ll admit walking through this is a whole lot like when we worked through the fear thing.  It seems the Holy Spirit is always tapping me on the shoulder asking me 'what are you doing' or 'why are you doing this'. 

For me, attitude is a BIG part of it.  Shawn always said I had this look.  Carole agrees.  Recently, Howard told me the words coming out of my mouth didn’t always agree with the look on my face and he’d stick with the words.  (Ya think attitude is a big part of it?)

One of the hardest things for us to do, as humans, is apologize.  There is something about it that sticks in our craw.  It is almost like we have to regurgitate it; especially, if we are still in the height of the emotion that got us there.  That is why the words coming out of my mouth do not always agree with the look on my face.  I am trying to police my words so I don’t have to apologize.  The rant may be going on in my head (hence the look on my face) but I’m trying to slow down the spew coming out of my mouth.

One of the first things I ask myself now is why; why am I mad, irritated or on my last nerve.  About ninety percent of the time, it has nothing to do with what is actually going on at that moment.  Dealing with the straw that broke the camel’s back often only deals with surface issues.  I want to get to the real problem and fix it. 

I have been doing this a lot this past year and I have that friend (you know who you are) who has been a big help in this area.  Most of the time, the problem has been with me; hold over issues from the past I needed to deal with and let go of.  Last night was a big test for me and I’m happy to announce, I passed with flying colors.

Will my actions be consistently consistent (sorry, couldn’t resist)?  Uh, no.  I have sense enough to know that.  But, I’m moving that direction even if it’s at a crawl.

Change

I would venture to say nighty-five percent of the humans on earth have something in their lives they wish they could change.  So why is it when change happens, we don’t like it?’  

I realize, for the most part, changes come from outside forces we have no control over.  Which means, we are usually dragged kicking and screaming through the change.  Do you think it’s because even though we desire change, it requires us to change which we don’t like? 

Let’s be honest, status quo is comfortable.  We know what is required of us and even if our life expands out before us in unending sameness, that sameness is safe and familiar.  We don’t have to stretch or bend or morph into someone different.

But, change is inevitable.  As a Christian, I try to make adjustments in my life every day.  I’m used to the little pokes and prods that accompany them.  The changes I’m talking about are bigger, external ones that require s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g.  Ugh!

Our church is in a transition phase.  We sold the building we were in with basically no place to go (step of faith).  We have temporarily moved into a small building that has required some major logistical contortions. 

As, many of you know, I work in the sound booth.  My responsibilities included the overheads, announcements, lights and recording the service.  All things I had become comfortable with.  Enter the new building.  Not wired for services (or much else).  Plus, we had to change sound boards (which has been a lot of fun…not).  Thank God there are several men in the church who understand what has to happen (Howard definitely needed the help) because the best I could do was fetch and carry.  And of course, they decided to put me back on the keyboard on Sunday mornings. (Hear the creaking of the stretch?)

As a church, we have decided to stay where we are for the time being.  Great.  Wonderful.  We can settle in.  Except, most of the set-up was geared towards being there temporarily.  Howard has slowly been transitioning for long term but now it’s time to go all out.  We start Friday night. 

I don’t freak out about change like I used to so, I really don’t mind.  But, there have been several changes in my personal life also and sometimes I feel like (yes, I’m going to make the comparison) a rubber band stretched between fingers just waiting for the release. 

Really, there's nothing wrong with change.

C-R-E-E-A-A-K.

Anticipating

I love the way God uses everyday things to teach us.  Last night, Noah (Howard’s son) tested for his next belt in Tae Kwan Do.  This is the gist of the text I got this morning:

Sorry, no pictures (I asked for some because Noah's my bud).  Got caught up seeing an underlying problem with Noah.  In life, there is a difference between standing and anticipating.  When you stand, you’re flat-footed and easily knocked over.  When you are on the balls of your feet, you have greater balance.  The challenge is to stay on the balls of your feet instead of the heels and let the little toes do the big job of keeping balance.  I’ve heard this saying all my life but now it’s making sense.   Something to ponder in every other mindset in our life.

Set me to thinking about some of the times I have been knocked flat by a left hook from out of nowhere.  I hate to say it but it’s been more times than I can count.

I know the Bible says when you’ve done all, stand (Ephesians 6:13).  But, it’s talking about the stance of a soldier; one who is suited up and ready for battle.

It was a ‘duh’ moment made worse by the fact that I’ve spoken before on something to that effect.  And, I even used the preparedness of a martial artist as an example.  How one of the first things they learn is blocking techniques (the shield of faith:  Eph. 6:16).  That they are always aware of their surroundings (watch ye, stand fast:  Corinthians 16:13).  Always on the watch for their opponent’s next move (not being ignorant of the devils devices:  2 Corinthians 2:11).  A lot of the times, they are on the balls of their feet doing that side to side shuffle.  (I know, an extremely ‘duh’ moment.)

We are all going to experience getting knocked off our feet moments.  Having to lay there until everything comes back into focus.  Slowly sitting up and shaking our heads.  Maybe doing a neck roll to get a few things back in alignment.  Then, oh so slowly getting back on our feet.

But I wonder how many of those moments we could dodge if, after we suited up with the armor of God (Eph. 6:10-18), we took a soldier’s stance instead of standing flat-footed waiting for the next blow.

Something to ponder.

Horn Tootin’

Last Friday, I took the day off.  Big whoop, you might say.  Not if you understood how protective I am of my days off.  I hoard them like they are priceless art work.  But, it was worth it .

The Longview Public Library hosted a ‘Celebrate Authors’ event.  There was a meet and greet on Thursday evening, workshops Friday and David Hartwig with Skidboot (2) on Saturday.  Plus, they had several tents out front for authors to set up, meet people and sell their books.  I was one of those authors.  I connected with a few old friends and made some new ones.  And yes, I sold some books (yea me!).

This is actually the first time I’ve done something like that.  Vickie Phelps (used to work at Barrons) had local authors in the store for book signings.  I did that shortly after Vendetta came out but that is the only book signing I have done.  I did sign some for the people at work who bought the book (because I wrote it).  But, I haven’t really pushed myself or my books.

It’s that whole not tooting your own horn thing.  That has been a definite problem for me.  Now if it came to you, that’s a whole different matter.  If I really believed in you, I would go all out to toot your horn.  

I was talking to my friend, Lana Lynne, (historical books) about it and said what I need is a tootin’ buddy.  Someone I could brag on while they bragged on me.  We laughed and said we could do it for each other.  Works for me.  So here’s some tootin’.

“I was an avid reader and was enthralled once I began to weave my own story.  My middle school years were filled with journals, poetry and began the process of hand writing multiple novels on notebook paper.  Once of my poems was placed in the church program and a few more in our high school’s publication.  My creative writing teacher was very encouraging, but I placed the stories in a drawer and closed it as I started college.  Three degrees later:  certified teacher and clinically certified speech-language pathologist, I rediscovered my writing as my daughter entered middle school.”

Lana's Blog

Books

Twitter:  @lanalynneauthor

I also met Anne Mateer.   She writes historical romance.  I didn’t get to spend as much time with her as I would have liked (we were on opposite ends of the tents).  She also said she didn’t like tooting her own horn and usually brought a friend that helped her with that (good idea).  Check her out.  Here is some tootin’ for her.

Anne Mateer has loved reading and writing stories since childhood. In

2000, she began studying the craft of fiction and working toward

publication. Ten years later, she received her first book contract. Anne

is a three time Genesis contest finalist, a Carol Award finalist, and a contributor to A Scrapbook of Christmas Firsts.

Anne On Amazon

On Twitter:  @AnneMateer

I really enjoyed it and hope they do it again next year.

Melts Downs

Last night, Pastor Rayburn preached on “When Life Disappoints You”.  He talked about disappointment in relationships, in circumstances, in ourselves (regret) and in God.  Powerful.  He said, “God is not afraid of your emotions.  He would much rather you be honest with Him”.  It’s a good thing. 

It used to irk me that David could be the way he was and get away with some of the things he did.  He lived under the law and should have been stoned a time or two.  Yet…he always found forgiveness in the arms of the Father.  Didn’t understand it for the longest (we’re talking years).

Then God directed me to study David and Job together.  I thought it was odd but as I looked at their lives one thing became clear.  Job believed in the act of sacrificing; David believed in the sacrifice.  And yes, there is a difference.

Job was continually running around offering sacrifices (doing something) just in case someone sinned. His seemed to focus on the sin instead of on the promise of God.  On the other hand, David focused on the promise and not the sin. 

Remember, Job is one of the oldest stories in the Bible so he wasn’t under the law.  He was under grace (just like we are today).  At the end of the story, Job sees God for who He really is. I wonder, did Job raise this set differently because of his encounter with God?  Hopefully, he enjoyed them more and was less stressed.

There is no denying David was flawed but it was a rare occasion for him to repeat a sin once he acknowledged it.  His was great at admitting it, seeking forgiveness and leaving it behind him. (Exactly what we are supposed to do today.)  David wrote several Psalms that talked about the coming ultimate Sacrifice for man’s sin.  He looked forward to that day, yearned for it; put his trust in it.  He always ran to God with his sin instead of away from Him.  It made the difference.

I was a doer like Job and I’ll admit there were emotional melt downs along the way.  Did the study turn me completely around?  Let’s just say I’m still a work in process.  But…I’m getting better at admitting, repenting and forgetting (the hard part). 

I do know this; God has been through all of my melt downs and has been extremely patient with me over the years.  For this I give Him thanks.