A Woman of Worth

I recently read Becoming a Woman of Worth by Kristen Clark.  It was a quick informative read and I wrote a review for it on Amazon.  Now for a novelist, saying exactly what you want to in 200 words or less is not an easy thing.  I started it several times and deleted it just as many.  This is what I finally settled on. 

I wish Becoming a Woman of Worth had been available when I was facing divorce after 18 years of marriage.  I have since come to realize I was in textbook depression with a non-existent self-worth.  While reading the book, I often nodded my head in agreement with the author.

I have been a Christian since I was 13.  Have I always followed Jesus as closely as I should? No.  But it never crossed my mind I could become depressed.  I’m a Christian. 

My turning point came when someone took my picture (I’m usually behind the camera) while I was eating cake at a party.  I’ll never forget my reaction when I saw it.  I was slumped so far over, my head was level with the table.  I looked haggard and so sad.

I took it to the only place I knew to and asked God what was wrong with me.  He said, “Barbara, you’re depressed”.  Could have knocked me over with a feather.  I look back now and realize He had been trying to keep me from plunging into full blown depression but I ignored His promptings (shocking, I know).

I asked Him what to do and this time I paid attention.  The first thing He dealt with was the fear in my life.  It was (& still is) was one of the hardest things I've ever been through because fear touched every area of my life.  It seemed like the Holy Spirit was constantly saying, “Barbara, why are you doing that?  Why did you make that decision?”

Have I gotten past it completely? No.  Am I better? Ye…s.  There are still times I get a tap on the shoulder and a question but they are a lot fewer and farther between.

We are daily working on the self-esteem part and I have some good friends who are helping (nagging?) keep me on track.  Part of the proof is this blog.  I do have something to say and enjoy saying it (for those who know me, I know you find that hard to believe.  Bwa-ha-ha).

Becoming the person you were meant to be is a journey not a destination.  

Ready, set, go.

Where Did the Stories Start?

Honestly, I couldn’t tell you.  They have always been in my head.  Plus, I have always been a reader.

I grew up in the ideal location (at least I think it was).  The house sat in a huge pasture. It was the days before rampant fire ants so you could lie in the grass and find crazy things in the clouds.  I spent a lot of time barefoot and away from home.

There was a tree just down from the house with branches brushing the ground.  I could take a book and stay there most of the day without anyone knowing where I was.  Wonderful for living out the story I was reading because it could become anywhere. 

There were also a lot of climbing trees.  You could get up pretty high in some of them and they had branches large enough for me to lie on and read (I sense a re-occurring theme).  It’s a wonder I never fell out of one (correct, sisters?). 

Deeper in the woods, a creek ran the whole length of the property.  The water ran from ankle deep to holes you could swim in.  In one place, there was a tree with a branch sticking out over the water.  It had enough give to dive off into the water below.  Did I ever swim?  No.  Too many crawdads (crawfish) and snapping turtles for me. 

I did spend a lot of time with a stick in my hand plopped in the water.  Of course, it had a string tied on it and a U-nail with bacon on that.  I pulled a lot of crawdads out of that creek.  I missed a lot of them too because I was looking for Indians, aliens or dinosaurs coming out of the woods.  I never knew when I would have to fight or run.  I even wrote about it for a class assignment on description.  I used the smell of the bacon, the tug of the line and how suddenly aliens were hunting me because I was human.  The tug on the line always brought me back to the present.

I remember one time my sisters and a couple of their friends were fishing and they all got a tug on their lines at the same time.  While each one pulled, a huge turtle rose up out of the water.  They all dropped their poles and we left the area.  Picturing it in my mind today, I still see a turtle that must have been four foot around.  How would you like to be swimming and have that surface right by you?

How could I not have stories after that?

    

Expectations

Yes, to all who have been wondering, the third book (Witness) is in the works.  I always heard the second book is the hardest and it was.  Which I find odd, considering I knew the characters, knew the destination and major events along the way.  Still, it took me a lot longer to write than I thought it would.  So has the third one.

Looking back, I realize that expectations had a lot to do with it.  My family and friends had been waiting years for me to do something—anything.  So when I published Vendetta, I had so many congratulations and ‘I really like its’ (which I still appreciate immensely) there was a lot of pressure on me to have a repeat performance with Ghostman.  Since Ghostman turned out okay, one would suppose book three would flow smoothly from my fingertips.  Bwaa-haa-haa. 

I had a hard time settling on who would be book three.  I know that sounds odd but I am a character driven writer.  I get to know and like the hero and heroine, then build the story around them. 

The publication date for Ghostman was fast approaching and I still hadn’t decided who would be book three (I have 3 others started).  I was leaning towards Jason.  After all he is ex-navy seal, works in private security, honorable, trustworthy…in other words, easy to write about.  Jessica (spoiler alert), the woman I am pairing him with, is just the opposite.  Also, easy to write about.

But I kept getting pulled back to Wade and Penny.  Wade started at the FBI in research, then moved to Homeland Security.  Not an action packed job.  Penny just graduated law school and is unsure what she wants to do with the rest of her life.  So, I wrote the blurb for Witness and committed myself.

I need a message in the story.  I didn’t know Wade and Penny’s, so I was unsure what path to take.  It took me awhile to realize that was the problem.  When I did, I asked God about it.  He said the message was in the blurb (picture puzzled face).  It was.  Both Wade's and Penny’s lives have been upended.  They need direction.  Universal theme.  Problem solved.

Still, I’m a dot your ‘i’; cross your ‘t’ kind of person.  I know the characters, know the destination and major events along the way.  I even have the beginning of the end written.  But…the how was eluding me.  Wade is not a field agent.  Yes, he has the training but will it kick in?  Will someone else have to ‘save the day’?  I am unwilling to use a ninth inning save.  It has to be plausible.

Wade will know what to do when the time arises.  Again, the expectations I placed on myself have been the problem.

Now, Wade and Penny can get their story out.  Book three is on its way.

Vendetta (E-book: Smashwords)
Ghostman (E-book: Smashwords)

Shocking

For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.  Because the carnal mind is enmity (deep-seated dislike or ill will) against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.  So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God. Romans 8:6-8

It’s a little shocking to realize that I’m not the Christian I thought I was.  I often jokingly said that mine has been a long, hard fought battle because I have fought God long and hard about everything.  Sad to say, it’s true (Ugh—picture head banging desk).

Last night I was listening to an old Copeland teaching called ‘Lessons from Daniel’ and it really brought home the definition of a carnal Christian.  Basically, it is someone who puts their thoughts, their beliefs and how they feel above the word of God. 

Look at the phrase ‘an old sinner saved by grace’.  I was an old sinner but once I received Jesus as my Savior, according to the Book, old things passed away and I became a new creature (2 Corinthians 5:17).  So, to call myself an old sinner now would be at enmity with God’s word and therefore God, wouldn’t it?

Now some of my mainstays and what the Bible says about it:

I don’t know enough:

If any man lacks wisdom, let him ask…James 1:5.

He will guide you into all truth…John 16:13

I don’t have enough:

He has already given us all things that pertain to life…2 Peter 1:3

He will supply all my needs…Philippians 4:19

I’m not good enough:

He that is least…is greater…Luke 7:28

These signs shall follow them that believe…Mark 16:17

Just in myself, all my old mainstays are true.  But, I’m not just in myself.  I am now ‘in Christ Jesus’ (1 Corinthians 1:30).  So, what the Book says about me trumps my thoughts, beliefs and feelings.

So, am I ready to quit being at enmity with God? Definitely.  Will it be automatic? No.  But, with the Holy Spirit to tap me on the shoulder when I fall back into old habits, it will be done.


If you haven't, check out my books; Vendetta & Ghostman

Vendetta--Check it out          E-book: Smashwords
Ghostman--Check it out        E-book: Smashwords

Fresh & New

It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.  They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.  The Lord is my portion, says my soul; therefore will I hope in him.  Lamentations 3:22-24

Such comfort in these verses but it didn’t used to be that way. 

I find it amazing how we can take a straight forward scripture (like the one above), mix in a little fear and doubt and let it skew our whole life.  That’s what I did.

In all the years I spent trying to earn God’s love and mercies, I often thanked the Lord that His mercies were fresh and new every morning.  That sounds good but I was coming from a place of fear.  I knew I didn’t measure up.  I knew I couldn’t measure up; that nothing I did would ever be good enough.  I desperately needed those mercies for even the faintest chance of seeing His face.

Even today, it's true.  I don’t measure up.  I can’t measure up.  In myself, I will never be good enough.  But, I’m not supposed to measure myself by myself.  I accepted Jesus as my Savior 41 years ago.  I became a new creation that day (2 Corinthians 5:17).  Through Him, I became righteous (2 Corinthians 5:21).  He gave me the power to become a child of the living God (John 1:12).  In Him, I can do all things (Philippians 4:13).  Through Him, I conquer (Romans 8:37).  See the prevalent theme? Him.

Recently, I said Jesus is the blessing I often talk about.  That was true in the Old Testament and it is true today.  Jesus is the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world (Revelation 13:8).  God counted it as done and He worked with mankind accordingly.

Yeah?  What about the God of WRATH in the Old Testament?  Let’s look at that.  The Bible says that Ahab (married Jezebel) did evil above all that were before him (1Kings 16:30) yet God dealt with him for 22 years before his reign came to an end (1 Kings 16:29).  Jeroboam sinned and made Israel sin (1Kings 14:16) and he reigned 22 years (1 Kings 14:20).  Manasseh did evil in the sight of the Lord (2 Kings 21:2) and he reigned 52 years (1 Kings 21:1).  Sounds like a God whose mercies were fresh and new every morning.

This is the time of year people talk about starting with a clean slate, that the possibilities are endless.  With God, it's true every day. 

Freely

Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give.  Matthew 10:8

Why it is so hard to:

1. Forgive
2. Love the unlovely
3. Give of our time
4. Give of our finances
5. Give of ourselves

How we often think:

1. If I have to work for my forgiveness, so should you. 
2. If I have to be kind and nice and friendly and etc., to be loved, so should you.
3. If I only have 24 hours in a day to get stuff done & I get it done, so should you.

Get the picture?

When I asked God, He directed me to Matthew 10:8. 

I know the Bible says if you don’t work, you shouldn’t eat (2 Thessalonians 3:10).  That a man who doesn't take care of his household is worse than an infidel (1 Timothy 5:8) but I want to talk about the freely receive part.  In truth, we can’t be good givers until we know how to receive. 

I know people who always have their hand out expecting you to fill it and get extremely upset if you don’t.

I know people who make it particularly difficult to do anything for them.  They don’t want to be beholden to anybody and will make you feel bad for try to do something for them.  Yet, they want to do for others and you are supposed to graciously accept their gift.

Neither attitude is right.  The balance?  Freely receive; freely give.

Over the last seven years, I have had to have a lot of help.  Although I was thankful for it (and hopefully the giver saw only that), I didn’t really freely receive.  It seriously irritated me that it seemed like I was always the one with my hand out. 

God took me to task for it.  I realized that, although I had freely received salvation, I believed I had to work for everything else.  So if I had to work for forgiveness, acceptance, healing, finances, etc…  Then add to that thinking it was never enough…  One messed up lady.  We have been working on that.  See, I have to freely receive from Him before I can freely give to someone else.

God gave us everything we need for life here and throughout eternity (2 Peter 1:3).  Freely receive it.  Freely give it.

Vendetta--Check it out          E-book: Smashwords      

Ghostman--Check it out        E-book: Smashwords

Holiday Memories

At The EastTexas Christian Writers' meeting this Tuesday, five ladies spoke about a story they had written for Christmas.  Here are the brief outlines for two of them.

Linda Burklin spoke about an experience she had in South Africa (missionary kid) while helping some friends at their chicken farm around Christmas.  Anyone who has dealt with chickens was right there with her smelling the smells, feeling the muck, hearing the noise.  She also spoke about how it brought home the reality of Jesus, God Incarnate, coming down to the muck and mire of earth to become man and free us.  Very poignant.  

Patty Wiseman spoke of an aunt that felt like she was ‘lost in the shuffle’ her whole life.  One Christmas her siblings received new bicycles (the brothers-red; the sister-blue) and she got a stuffed toy because her parents couldn’t afford four new bikes.  She received a hand me down bike that didn’t have a seat.  Her father was supposed to fix it.  It never got fixed and she never got a new bike.  Her life went pretty much like that until after her kids were grown and she married a kind, thoughtful man.  One Christmas she came downstairs and there stood her husband by the tree with a brand new red bike.  Tissue anyone?

Everyone has memories of the holiday season.  Some good; some not so good.  How we handle them determines how our holidays go.  I know it is not always easy to let go of things (see last week’s blog, Regret).  Still, it is a choice.  Do we let them pull us down or do we remember the good stuff?

I know people who look forward to Christmas all year and those who do their best to make themselves and everyone around them miserable from October through the New Year.  Having dealt with both, I know what it is like to swing from “Oh pu-lease” (the chirpiness does sometimes get to you) to fighting to keep from becoming ‘bah humbug’ myself. 

The challenge:

If your memories are not good ones or if the last few years have gone south, determine today to stop dwelling on that and begin creating new memories.  Families are not just blood.  They come in all shapes and sizes.  Be open and allow family to gather round you this holiday season.

My prayer for you:

May the peace of God still your soul and fill your heart and house in the coming year.