Get to Living

I have said this a few times before.  The season when the Holy Spirit was dealing with me about how fear ran my life was one of the hardest I have ever been through.  I now understand He was just dealing with surface things.  This last month we have been digging deeper.  It has been really hard to admit that most of my opinions about myself grew out of fear.  It has been equally hard to pry my fingers off of them and let them go (major…big time hard. #aworkinprogress). 

I wrote a song in 2010 entitled ‘Get to Living’ and it has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks.  Today it is more appropriate than ever.  I leave you with it.

Barbara Arent@2010

GET TO LIVING

Verse 1

There are things in my life I will not talk about so don’t ask me

There are some people I gave up on and let go of

I wish were still here with me

And the place where I am today is choices I have made

And I can’t go back and unmake them

The way I see it, I can give up

Or I can get up and get to living

Verse 2

I’ve survived a lot of pain and there’s a lot of pain that I have caused

There are some hurts that run so deep

They can only be healed by the grace of God

I spent a lot of years looking back

At the failures of my past

And missed the good things right in front of me

Think it’s time to look around and be thankful for what I have

And get to living

Bridge

The sun is rising on a new brand new day

It’s up to me to choose how I face it

Will I let my tears and fears guide each step I take

Or will I let go of my past and be free at last

To live in the here and now

Ending

The place where I am today is choices I have made

Think it’s time to look around and be thankful for what I have

And get to living

Controlled Chaos

Seven early 1900’s tombstones: Dad, Mom and five children who all died under the age of two.

I’ve mentioned it before, I like to read tombstones.  These were in an old community cemetery.  Once I stepped past the pain this couple felt, my writer’s brain kicked in.

• Horror:  were they living out a family curse?  Was the house cursed?
• Thriller:  were they targeted by a crazy sister or cousin who couldn’t have children?  A jilted sweetheart?
• Crime:  was Mom or Dad a serial killer?  Did they kill for the insurance money?
• Psychological:  Did Mom suffer from post-partum depression?  Was Dad or Mom abusive?    What toll did these deaths take on their marriage?
• Historical:  what childhood diseases ran rampant at that time?  Was the family poverty stricken?  Was Dad disabled and not able to work in a time before disability or Medicaid and not able to provide for his family?

With a writer, this goes on all the time. 

Years ago, I was walking through the music store looking at the pianos when a young man asked me if I played by sheet music.  I said yes.  He then asked if I would play a song for him so he could see if it was the right key.  Took the sheet music; it was Ol’ Man River.  Played the introduction and this huge bass voice just rolled out of him.  I was getting into the song when he stop, grabbed the sheet music, said thank you and left.  Excellent beginning to a romance novel.

Most of the time, I am by myself in a restaurant.  I usually have a book and it looks like I am highly engrossed in it.  I am but that doesn’t mean I’m not listening to the conversations going on around me.  Something as simple as hearing the woman behind me saying ‘son eat your beans’, can stir up all kinds of images.  Plus, life is definitely stranger than fiction (think Walmart pictures).

To others, this constant barrage of ideas, scenes and dialogue might resemble chaos.  But, we (writers) usually manage to control it (no, we do…most of the time). 

So if you have a writer friend (song writers too) and they drop out for a moment, cut them some slack.  Maybe, offer them your napkin and a pen.  You never know where that one line that will skyrocket their book to the best seller list will come from.  It might even help control the chaos. 

Holding Pattern 2

Last October, I wrote about being in a holding pattern.  I am happy to say (that for the most part), I have chosen to rest in God, be refreshed, slow down, gather my strength, learn to appreciate the stillness and hear His still small voice.

How do I know this?  Howard and I were discussing the changes happening in our lives (he is also headed in a new direction) and I realized that although I am still in a holding pattern, it’s different.  I’m different.  Do I have it all together? Uh, no (evidence the recent Melt Down blog). 

I've heard many pilots say is it only takes a small adjustment to make a major change in trajectory.  I now realize that over the past six months, God has been making small adjustments and changing my course

For so many years, I allowed holding patterns to annoy and discourage me.  I would bemoan the fact that once again I was going around the same mountain, seeing the same scenery.  I would get aggravated that nothing was changing.  Blah, blah, blah, ad infinitum.  

Barring a major catastrophe, exterior change is not going to happen without interior change happening first.  I knew this but didn’t put it into practice until the last few years.  

Mine started with changing my attitude about food, then deep breathing exercises in the mornings and now walking.  Seven years later, I’m fifty pounds lighter and definitely in better shape.  At the same time, I have been working on my mental health and I am once again more confident in my abilities as a musician, singer, writer…friend.

Keith Moore often says, ‘it’s hard to steer a parked car’.  I may be in a holding pattern but I’m moving; not parked.  I can go whatever direction I need to.  I’ve adjusted my attitude.  Woohoo! 

How long will this particular holding pattern last?  Don’t know.  Not worried about it.  I’m going to sit back, enjoy the view and let God handle that part.

Consistent

Consistent:  always acting or behaving in the same way

I have been meditating on this word lately.  Well, not actually the word but what it means. You won’t see me walking around with my arms out, palms up and my fingers pressed together saying “umm-m-m-m  con-sis-tent”.  (I would if I thought it would help.)  But, I am considering how to work it more consistently into my life (yes, pun intended).

The Holy Spirit has been helping me with my lack of consistency in areas like writing and exercising; you know, good things.  And, my total consistency in other areas like not getting enough sleep, worrying about things only He can fix and ATTITUDE. 

I’ll admit walking through this is a whole lot like when we worked through the fear thing.  It seems the Holy Spirit is always tapping me on the shoulder asking me 'what are you doing' or 'why are you doing this'. 

For me, attitude is a BIG part of it.  Shawn always said I had this look.  Carole agrees.  Recently, Howard told me the words coming out of my mouth didn’t always agree with the look on my face and he’d stick with the words.  (Ya think attitude is a big part of it?)

One of the hardest things for us to do, as humans, is apologize.  There is something about it that sticks in our craw.  It is almost like we have to regurgitate it; especially, if we are still in the height of the emotion that got us there.  That is why the words coming out of my mouth do not always agree with the look on my face.  I am trying to police my words so I don’t have to apologize.  The rant may be going on in my head (hence the look on my face) but I’m trying to slow down the spew coming out of my mouth.

One of the first things I ask myself now is why; why am I mad, irritated or on my last nerve.  About ninety percent of the time, it has nothing to do with what is actually going on at that moment.  Dealing with the straw that broke the camel’s back often only deals with surface issues.  I want to get to the real problem and fix it. 

I have been doing this a lot this past year and I have that friend (you know who you are) who has been a big help in this area.  Most of the time, the problem has been with me; hold over issues from the past I needed to deal with and let go of.  Last night was a big test for me and I’m happy to announce, I passed with flying colors.

Will my actions be consistently consistent (sorry, couldn’t resist)?  Uh, no.  I have sense enough to know that.  But, I’m moving that direction even if it’s at a crawl.