Finally Letting Go

At the East Texas Christians Writer's November meeting, Ms. Joy Chitsey taught us about visual journaling.  At the end of the meeting we got to play with paper, crayons and watercolors.  The assignment was to create something off the top of my head.  A whole page detailing, in picture, what was on my mind at the time. 

Uh, say what?

It was several blank minutes before I picked up a red pen and words poured out of me, surprising me with their intensity.

Am I ready?  Am I?  Not sure.  Don’t know if I can let go

of the iron control my fears demand and let chaos reign. 

That’s what it feels like sometimes.  If I’m in control,

even though I know I will fail, I still know what is going

to happen.  Letting God control things often leaves me

in the dark:  totally uncomfortable.  So…am I ready?  UGH!!!

For someone who has always tried their best to not look like an idiot, letting go of that iron control was not easy.  For instance, I created this blog that next weekend.  It is now March and this is my first post.  I felt like anything I said would be stupid, who would want to read it…blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 

Knowing you’re going to fail is safe because at least you know what’s going to happen.  And, if you don’t try, you can’t fall on your face.

I know the scriptures say God only wants what’s best for me, He will lead me, He will supply all of my needs but…  Such a HUGE word.  Much harder to get past than any other word I know.  It opens the door wide for fear, insecurities, low self-esteem, haunting past circumstances (you get the picture) to keep me from being or doing.

It has taken me this long to pry my fingers off of that control button.  There have been some surprising results; most of them in my head and heart. 

That’s where true change starts.  Then it spreads out into the circumstances around you.

It’s time to start spreading.